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Praxis Podcast with Rhett Smith

A podcast tailored to help you bridge the gap between theory and practice in order to live a more transformational life -- with therapist, author and coach, Rhett Smith. I have a special interest in helping people face their anxiety with courage, so that they can have a more meaningful connection to self and others. As well as the interface of psychology and theology and the many and varied ways that can bring deep insight and healing to our lives.
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Dec 1, 2015

RSP42As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff...and more.

 

In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as "usness." In this episode I talk about this created "usness" and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of "usness", I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.

 

I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can't solve issues if you don't feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of "usness." And as that "usness" develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes...just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.

 

In this episode I explore:

  • the concept of "usness"
  • 7 steps to solving your problems/issues:
  • identify and externalize the problem/issue
  • walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle
  • brainstorm options/solutions
  • narrow down options/solutions
  • set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions
  • choose an option/solution (win-win)
  • schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy
Terry Hargrave
Marriage Strong
Sharon Hargrave
Dec 1, 2015

RSP41This week I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle found in the work of Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle have transformed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work.

 

So in this episode I want to teach you how to use the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model to help you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle. I love the simplicity of the model in helping people create change, but like any long lasting, transformative change, it takes practice. And I find steps to be helpful guard rails to keep people along the path as they seek change. Often in conflict, people are in fight or flight mode, and so their ability to make good decisions can become limited. But if you have steps to help you in the midst of the conflict, they can be a great tool to bring order out of chaos.

 

In this episode I explore:

  • review of the Pain Cycle
  • review of the Peace Cycle
  • the 4 steps:
  • Step 1: Say what you feel
  • Step 2: Say what you normally do
  • Step 3: Say your truth
  • Step 4: Say what you will do differently
Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy
Terry Hargrave
Marriage Strong
Sharon Hargrave
The Hideaway Experience
Dec 1, 2015

RSP40In the previous podcast episode I talked about just how life transforming the Pain and Peace Cycle work have been to my life both personally and relationally. Ever since I learned these tools when I went on staff at The Hideaway Experience in 2010 I have continued to use them in all the work I do. I use them with clients. I use them with church staff. I use them with corporate organizations. And in all cases I see lives being transformed and I get good feedback about them.

 

The Pain and Peace Cycle were created by Terry Hargrave and can be found in his book Restoration Therapy where he talks at length and in depth about this model. Because I have found this model and these tools to be so helpful, I spent this last year in training with Terry Hargrave and became a Level II Certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

 

So in the previous episode I talk about the Pain Cycle, and in this episode I want to focus on the Peace Cycle. If the Pain Cycle is the negative pattern we create over time between our feelings and coping, then the Peace Cycle is about the positive pattern we create over time between our truth and actions. These two patterns comprise a different way of being in relationship with yourself and others. It's simply one of the best models out there, especially for couples and marriage.

 

In this episode I explore:

  • what the Peace Cycle consists of
  • what it means to connect to your truth
  • how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
  • 3 sources of finding our truth
  • what it means to act out of your truth
  • how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
  • theological examples of being in a Peace Cycle

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

 

Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy
Terry Hargrave
Marriage Strong
Sharon Hargrave
The Hideaway Experience
Mark 1:9-11
Genesis 32-33
Henri Nouwen
Dec 1, 2015

RSP39One of the tools that has changed my life in such an amazing way...that at times it's really hard to explain...is learning the Pain and Peace Cycle in the work of Terry Hargrave in his Restoration Therapy model. In fact, in Episode 21 of this podcast I talked about how it can change your life, your relationships, as well as church organizations and corporations. In fact, I have taught the Pain and Peace Cycle in all these settings and see it do just that...change lives.

 

So this week I wanted to dive in a bit more deep on this topic, but in a short manner. The reason, I get a lot of people contacting me about what the Pain and Peace Cycle is. They see me write about it, post about it on social media, or they might have heard me speak about it in person. But it's something I definitely talk a lot about in my work. I believe in it because I have experienced it first hand.

 

So this week I decided to put out a few episodes focusing on the Pain Cycle, the Peace Cycle, and how to practice it.

 

Today, I talk about the Pain Cycle and how you becoming aware of your own will change your life. It will change your life on both an individual and relational level.

 

In this episode I explore:

  • Violations of Love and Trust
  • How Violations of Love and Trust create your negative pattern of coping known as the Pain Cycle.
  • What the Pain Cycle is
  • How to identify the feelings in your Pain Cycle
  • How to identify the coping behavior in your Pain Cycle

If you want to work through this at home, here is the initial Pain Cycle homework that I give my clients and others to work through. It's a pretty simple sheet to work on, so check it out:

Identifying and Practicing Your ‘Pain Cycle’

 

Resources Mentioned in this Episode
Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Marriage Strong Sharon Hargrave The Hideaway Experience
Nov 25, 2015

I have tried over the years to do a better job of giving thanks daily and living in gratitude. But like many of you I struggle. It would seem that I would have starts and stops, and then I would get excited about it again when a holiday like Thanksgiving rolled around to remind me about the importance of giving thanks.

 

But this is something that I know is important. The letters of Paul in the New Testament are filled with this idea of being thankful and giving thanks. I particularly like the Greek word for eucharist that Paul uses. The word means to literally give thanks and to be thankful (among other things), but also embedded in the word is the concept of grace coming from the Greek word charis (English translisteration/spelling). So eucharist is both an acknowledgment of what we are thankful for in the act of giving thanks, but it's also a recognition of the grace of God in our lives. I think giving thanks and living in gratitude is about both....being thankful and experiencing the working out of God's grace. Now it's been 16 years since I studied Greek and the finer points of my Koine Greek scholarship may be a bit rusty...but I think this view of eucharist is really important to our lives.

 

About two years ago I noticed that most of the people I listened to on podcasts, and the books I was reading, and the videos I was watching...there was a common thread. And the common thread was the importance of a daily practice of being thankful and living in gratitude for all these people. What was even more interesting was that this practice was a common thread across all kinds of factor such as race, gender, faith/non-faith background, socioeconomic status, etc. Everyone I was coming across was talking about how important this practice was to their lives. In fact, it was such a huge factor that despite circumstances, being thankful and living in gratitude changed the trajectory of their day, and of their life.

 

This may seem like common sense, especially from someone who grew up in the Church around the tradition of eucharist (communion, Lord's supper, etc.), and who is taught to give thanks in all circumstances. But knowing something and living it out are two different things. So this last January I asked for the Five Minute Journal for my birthday, and the beginning question in the journal is to name 3 things you are thankful for. This began my more disciplined practice this last year of daily looking to be thankful, living in gratitude, and experiencing the grace of God in my life.

 

In this episode I explore:

  • the meaning of eucharist as both a giving of thanks and receiving of God's grace.
  • ways to practice giving thanks and being grateful.
  • journaling our thankfulness; verbalizing our thankfulness; creating a thankfulness tree.
  • something you can practice this week.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Five Minute Journal

The Bible

Nov 18, 2015

Hanging out at our Marriage Strong training in Malibu, CA.

Hanging out at our Strong Marriage training in Malibu, CA.

This last week my wife and I spent two days training with Sharon Hargrave in her Marriage Strong curriculum. There were several reasons why we wanted to attend the training: 1) We know how much working through our Pain and Peace Cycle has transformed our own marriage; 2) We have a desire to lead these groups in our neighborhood, community, and at workshops and conferences; and I in my practice. 3) I absolutely love the work of Terry and Sharon Hargrave.

 

In 2010 my colleague and good friend Todd Sandel started telling me about these amazing 4 day marriage intensives taking place at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas. After going up and sitting in a few of these marriage intensives, I eventually went on staff as one of the therapists, and helped co-lead marriage intensives there until 2014 when I eventually stepped off staff because of time constraints with my own practice and family life. It was here that I learned about the Pain and Peace Cycle through the 5 Days to a New Marriage model developed by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever for The Hideaway. I put this model to work fairly quickly in my own marriage...and it was then that a radical shift took place that has helped us really transform our marriage into what it is today.

 

I then went back to my therapy practice and began using this model not only with couples, but also individual clients and I saw people's lives dramatically change. It was through these experiences that I came to realize and really believe in the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle, and I wanted to do everything I could to become a better practitioner of it. So this last year I spent time training with the founder of the Pain and Peace Cycle, Marriage and Family Therapy pioneer, Terry Hargrave. Through my training with him I officially became a Level II certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

 

I have used this work with individuals, couples, families, church staffs, corporate managers and directors...and I have seen it transform people in all of these areas.

 

So when my wife and I had the chance to go train in Marriage Strong which has Restoration Therapy as it's foundational piece, we jumped at the opportunity.

 

We had a great weekend learning more about each other and talking about how we can intentionally continue to improve our marriage. As we spent time doing this I came to realize that there are a certain number of skills that I think if couples practice, they would benefit greatly from...they would see their marriage shift in some really positive directions.

 

So in this podcast I took all of my training that I've learned at The Hideaway Experience, Restoration Therapy, Marriage Strong, and other things that I've learned and developed along the way as a clinician...and I boiled it down to 5 skills. Of course there are a lot of varying skills couples can practice, but instead of always looking for that "silver bullet" to fix everything in a marriage, I think more couples need to really focus on a few skills and just practice...practice...practice...practice...practice. You get the point. Marriages grow and become strong through practice, not through some shiny or sexy new skill that will fix everything.

 

So in this episode I talk about these 5 skills:

  • identifying and practicing awareness around your negative pattern of interaction made up of your feelings and coping (Pain Cycle).
  • taking responsibility for yourself (your Pain Cycle) and learning to emotionally regulate yourself, rather than expecting your spouse to.
  • identifying and developing your positive pattern of interaction made up of your truth and action (Peace Cycle)
  • learning how to problem solve out of your Peace Cycle.
  • fostering your sense of "usness" in the marriage.

Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode

Marriage Strong The Hideaway Experience 5 Days to a New Marriage Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Sharon Hargrave Todd Sandel LifeGate Group Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Using the Restoration Therapy Model to Transform You, Your Relationships, Churches, Organizations, and Corportations

Nov 10, 2015

Imagine you are in a room and two different type of men walk in. One is encouraging, inspiring and vulnerable. He's not just there physically, but he has shown up emotionally as well. He's connected to those around him. And because he shows up this way, others will feed off that and grow. He's what I call a life-giving man. But the other man is there only physically, not emotionally. He's not connected to those around him. He tends to be critical, lives in fear, and is often quick to anger or be impatient. He's someone who sucks the life out of those around him...the total opposite of a life-giving man.

 

In this episode I share briefly this idea of life-giving man which I have written about extensively, but I also dive into 3 important messages that life-giving men communicate to those around them. In this episode I talk a lot about the father/son relationship, but just because you may not have a son, there are probably other men in your life that need you to be a life-giver. And if you are woman listening to this episode, then I talk about the importance of having this insight into the men in your life.

 

In my book What it Means to be a Man, I quote a passage from Richard Rohr's book, The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality. In this quote you get an essence of these two very different men.

"When a father tells a child that he can do something, he can do it. I don't know why that is, except to say that there is some mysterious energy that passes from the male to his children. It is some sort of creative energy that can make things be when they are not, and without which things cannot come to be. When male energy is absent, creation does not happen, either in the human soul or in the world. Nurturance happens, support and love perhaps, but not that new 'creation out of nothing' that is the unique prerogative associated with the masculine side of God...Without the father's energy, there is a void, an emptiness in the soul which nothing but that kind of energy can fill. I have seen it in too many people, men especially. It is a hollow yearning that feeds on praise incessantly and is never satisfied. It is a black hole that sucks in reward after reward and is never brightened by it. It becomes a nesting place of demons--of self-doubt, fear, mistrust, cynicism, and rage. And it becomes the place from which those demons fly out to devour others."

In this episode we explore:

  • what a life-giving man is and isn't.
  • the three questions that a father "needs" to communicate to his son according to Larry Crabb in his book The Silence of Adam.
  • how men can use those three questions to be life-givers to those around them.
  • how to look for opportunities to be a life-giving man in your relationships whether in marriage, parenting, the work place, etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

 

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith

The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World Full of Chaos by Larry Crabb, Don Michael Hudson, Al Andrews

The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality by Richard Rohr and Joseph Markos

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

Derek Redmond and his inspiring 1992 Olympic run. (In my podcast episode I mistakenly referred to his Olympic run as being in Seoul in 1988, rather than in Barcelona 1992).

Nov 6, 2015

In the last episode (Rhett Smith Podcast 34: Nine Practices and Disciplines That Will Help You Transform Your Morning Routine) I talked at length about my morning routine and the nine disciplines and practices that accompany (on most good days). But in that episode I didn't address a couple of very important issues, even though after I recorded it I was thinking that I had missed talking about some things.

 

But a couple of people contacted me to ask if I had any thoughts or suggestions on the morning routine in various stages of life...most specifically with an infant, or young kids in the house. And the other great question was how to you navigate maintaining your own morning routine in a relationship with a person who also has/wants to have their own morning routine as well? One that wasn't mentioned, but that I thought of as I was recording this follow up was single parents and the difficulty then often have maintaining a morning routine.

 

So in this short episode I address these issues:

  • how to navigate the morning routine with infants or kids in the house.
  • the importance of acknowledging the stage of life you are in and making allowances for that.
  • how to explore, support and encourage the morning routine of your partner.
  • what does self-care in a morning routine look like for a single parent.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Nov 4, 2015

It seems to me that how I start my day off...especially the first 1-2 hours, often dictates how the rest of my day goes, or to what degree I will navigate the ups and downs of it successfully. And I’m not alone in thinking this. It’s not surprising that many of the podcasts I listen to often ask their guests what their morning routines or rituals look like (i.e. Tim Ferriss, Rich Roll, Lewis Howes, etc.). They do this because they know that a lot of research both statistical and anecdotal point to the fact that how we start our morning plays a big part in how are days go.

 

As a life long night owl this has been a really hard reality for me to not only wrap my head around, but actually come around to practicing it. But if a 12am-2am’er such as myself can go to bed by 11pm so he can start his day off right the next morning..then maybe that tells you all you need to know about how important our morning routines are.

 

I have by no means mastered my morning, and I really doubt I ever will. Because life is life, and sometimes it gets complicated and busy. But I can tell you this. I have worked really hard over the last several years to experiment with and implement different disciplines and practices into my life to see not only how they would affect my morning routine, but to really test out if becoming a morning person was all that important.

 

And after much trial and error I’ve come up with 9 disciplines and practices that I use pretty regularly in my morning routine. The routine is not perfect, but more often than not when I’m hitting on all cylinders, these 9 practices are evident in my daily morning routine (even as I write this post for the podcast I did have 8 of the 9 disciplines present in my morning routine -- Headspace didn't happen today -- that tends to be the one I trade off with the journal). And even when I’m not running on all cylinders, you can find me practicing most of these disciplines on a daily basis.

 

The good news is that after much experimentation and practice with one discipline at a time, I was slowly able to add another one, create a habit, till eventually most of my morning routine is less of a laborious conscious effort, and one that has developed into a nice flow and rhythm in my day.

 

In this episode I will explore my 9 practices and disciplines that embody my first few hours of my day...my morning routine:

  1. Body Movement (running, lifting weights, yoga, stretching, cycling, swimming, etc.)
  2. Listening to podcasts that inspire growth and challenge beliefs.
  3. Avoid the consumption of technology that dictates my day rather than keeps me from creating (email, news feeds, social media feeds, etc.) for the first 1-4 hours of my day.
  4. Make the bed.
  5. Make a green smoothie
  6. Connect with my wife and kids.
  7. Do the Five-Minute Journal
  8. Use the Headspace app
  9. Prayer

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

 

Links and Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Rich Roll Podcast

Lewis Howes' podcast The School of Greatness

Tim Ferriss' Podcast

On Being Pocast with Krista Tippett

The Five-Minute Journal

Headsapce

5 Morning Rituals That Help Me Win the Day (Tim Ferriss in this podcast episode talks about his morning routine and the importance of making the bed)

What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast (Success Magazine)

The Morning Routines of the Most Successful People (Fast Company Magazine)

My Green Smoothie Recipe (This is the typical green smoothie I make each morning, though I will change things up. You have to adjust to your own liking, but this is my typical measurements for two people. By the way, I'm known to not really measure things, but this is what I typically aim for. If there is a brand we typically, and consistently use, I mention it here. And I use a Vitamix which creates a great consistency: Coconut Almond Milk (2 cups, Califia), Plant Based Vanilla Protein Powder (1.5 scoops, Garden of Life Raw Meal), Maca Powder (1 tbsp, Navitas Naturals Organic Maca Gelatinized Powder), Chia Seeds (1 tbsp, Nutiva Organic Black Chia Seeds), Hemp Hearts (1tbsp, Manitoba Harvest Hemp Hearts Raw Shelled Hemp Seeds), Kale, Spinach, Dates (3 pitted dates), Goji Berries (1/2 cup of berries), 1 tsp of Spirulina, 1 Banana, 1-2 cups of Ice.

Here is the video on shot on my morning routine about 7 months ago. In it I talk about The Five-Minute Journal and Headspace

Oct 27, 2015

There are two stories in the Bible that have gripped my imagination for the last 5-6 years. One is the story of Jesus at his baptism, specifically in the gospel of Mark 1:9-11, which records the voice of God the Father in Heaven declaring to his son Jesus (while the Spirit is descending like a dove), "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Here is the passage:

9 At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. 10 Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. 11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” (NIV)

The other story is found in Genesis 32-33 and records the story of Jacob as he prepares to be reunited with his estranged brother Esau. In earlier years jacob had stolen Esau's birthright and blessing and is now preparing to meet up with again...with some fear and trembling I might add. I am fascinated by the story of Jacob wrestling with God. I am fascinated with this scene:

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[f] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[g] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[h] and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.

But what is really fascinating to me is the ensuing encounter that Jacob has with Esau after he has wrestled with God. There is a beautiful play on the word for eyes in Hebrew, and a very beautiful encounter of not only seeing God face to face, but seeing his brother Esau face to face. Both of these stories are examples of a person being and living out of their Truth, and therefore, they lend insight to us about what that might look like for us to be and live in our Truth in our lives.

Identifying, acknowledging, being, and living out of your Truth is a hard task for most people that I know. Many feel they don't know or have a Truth, while others struggle to practice and access it in their daily lives. The reality is, is that living in our Truth is not a work of perfection, or arriving at it permanently, but rather an ongoing struggle to believe and live beyond ourselves. For when we do this, not only are we transformed, but so are our relationships.

In this episode I explore:

  • what it means to be in our Truth
  • Jesus' baptism and the model it presents for being in our Truth
  • Jacob wrestling with God and what it teaches us about being in our Truth
  • how being in our Truth impacts not only us, but our relationships
  • 3 sources for finding our Truth
  • Henri Nouwen and his book, In the Name of Jesus

 

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

 

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Henri Nouwen and In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership

Henri Nouwen and Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World

Genesis 32 and 33

Mark 1:9-11

Restoration Therapy

Oct 21, 2015

This last week was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I'm still processing it and will for much time to come. But as I talked about in Episode 30 of this podcast, I set out last February to redefine my success as showing up, rather than just achieving a goal. And in order to do that I set my sights on a monumental goal for myself that held a high risk of failure. So I signed up for the Palo Duro 50 Mile Trail Run in the Palo Duro Canyon outside of Amarillo, TX.

Well that goal came to fruition on Saturday after I crossed the finish line of the 50 mile race in 11 hours and 48 minutes. It was a long, lonely day at many points, but I learned some really important lessons that day that have great implication for my life, for future goals I will set...and I strongly believe that these lessons are transferable to your life and any goals you set out for yourself.

So in this podcast I explore those three lessons:

  • the importance of having a support team on your side when choosing to set and achieve a goal. Setting and achieving goals is never a solo act, and if it is, it often leaves a wake of relational destruction behind it.
  • the importance of being mindful that sometimes achieving certain goals require a level of unbalance in our lives for a season. So how do you work on being healthy when things will be unbalanced?
  • the importance of investing in and including your support team from the beginning through the end...because you are going to need them to achieve the goal.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Oct 13, 2015

I have been looking forward to having Dr. Cameron Jorgenson on my podcast for a long time. Dr. Jorgenson is one of the smartest and most thoughtful people that I know, and so it was with great anticipation that I had him on this week's episode.

 

But first a little backstory. I first met Dr. Jorgenson in and around 1993/1994 at Grand Canyon University when we were both freshmen. A lot of things have changed since we first met in an introduction to philosophy class -- GCU used to be a very tiny, Christian liberal arts college for one; and I'm sure our philosophical and theological outlook has also changed quite a bit since that first class. Dr. Jorgenson didn't have his Ph.D then and I only knew him as Cameron. In our time at Grand Canyon we sort of knew each other, but often ran in different social circles. But in January 1998, six months after we graduated, we both ended up at Fuller Theological Seminary's Southwest Campus in Phoenix. And for the next three years Cameron and I took every class together and studied relentlessly (Greek, Hebrew, Systematic Theology, Church History, etc, etc.). I can't even tell you the thousands of hours we put in studying over coffee in various coffee shops and book stores in the Phoenix area.

 

And it was in this time that our friendship really began to develop and grow, and I came to really admire Cameron for his love of Christ, his intellectual rigor, and the way he put those into loving practice in the relationships and communities around him. Cameron and I then went on to live in Antigua, Guatemala with some host families for three months while we studied Spanish, followed by a trip with Fuller Southwest to Syria, Jordan and Israel. And then we ended up rooming together in Pasadena for one year as we finished up our Master of Divinity degrees at the main campus. Cameron then went on to Baylor to get his Ph.D, and now teaches Theology and Ethics at Campbell Divinity School in North Carolina.

 

I give you this backstory to paint for you a better picture of the friendship I have with Cameron. Because when he and I started talking about having him on the podcast he pitched to me the idea of talking about the 7 deadly sins and relationships/marriage I wasn't exactly sure what I thought about the idea. I talk a lot about marriage and relationships, and I'm familiar with the 7 deadly sins, but I wasn't sure of how we might connect them and offer something to the listener of value. So I was intrigued. And my intrigue was not disappointed.

 

In this episode Dr. Jorgenson (sorry I keep switching from Cameron to Dr. Jorgenson) talks about what he refers to as the 7 vices, and why they should be of interest to us today, what we can learn from them, and how they can teach us in more depth about who we are and how we struggle.

 

In this episode we explore:

  • the 7 vices (lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride)how the 7 vices point out to us a "disordered desire" for something specific
  • we explore in greater depth sex and food (lust and gluttony) and how they impact our relationships
  • resources to help one better understand and learn from the 7 vices
  • the work of Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung and her book Glittering Vices
  • sex and pornography
  • food and table

 

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode Dr. Cameron Jorgenson Grand Canyon University Baylor University Fuller Theological Seminary Campbell Divinity School

Glittering Vices: A New Look at the Seven Deadly Sins and Their Remedies by Rebecca Konyndyk DeYoung

Food and Faith: A Theology of Eating by Norman Wirzba

Bringing it to the Table: On Farming and Food by Wendell Berry and Michael Pollan

The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays of Wendell Berry

Encyclical Letter, Laudato Si, of the Holy Father, Francis, On Care for Our Common Home by Pope Francis

Fight the New Drug

On Evil by Thomas Aquinas

Soil and Sacrament: A Spiritual Memoir of Food and Faith by Fred Bahnson

Pornography and Acedia by Reinhard Hutter

Alton Brown on Foodies, Fame, Fast Food, and Guns

Oct 6, 2015

About 8 months ago I was looking for a new challenge in life. I felt like I had begun to play life a little too safe, and was starting to get too comfortable...you know the type of comfortable where you start making excuses for taking risks? The type of comfortable where you stop challenging yourself? That is a dangerous place to be in life. Why? Because when we stop taking risks and doing scary, anxiety provoking things, we often tend to stop growing as well. So we have a choice in life...take risks, grow, and keep moving forward. Or choose to play life safe, not grow, and regress and move backwards. Those are our options. There is no static state, a place where you can just hit cruise control. Either you are taking risks and growing, or you are playing it safe and regressing.

 

And it just happened that I had also finished Brene Brown's awesome book Daring Greatly the year before. And fresh on my mind was her story of her daughter and swimming. I won't get into the story here (you can hear more about in this episode or read the book), but essentially, Brown talks about the value of showing up ("getting wet") and reframing success. And I thought this was the perfect opportunity for me to show up and redefine my success, as not whether I ran a certain time, or even finished (though that's my goal), but that I risked failure by taking a risk.

 

That being said I started looking for a new challenge and I immediately went to an area of life that has really helped me a grow a lot....running. Few activities have transformed me as fully as running. Each time I completed a long and hard training season, or finished a marathon or 50k...or just came back from a morning run...I usually learned something new about myself, and the anxiety provoking experience that led to the growth, also gave me a lot of confidence in the process.

 

So as I chose this new challenge I had just a couple of criteria. 1) I had to show up (I will talk about this in this episode); 2) And there had to be the risk of failure (so not doing something I knew I could do for sure); 3) I saw this as basic criteria to help me grow....show up, but also risk failure.

 

As I recorded this podcast and typed up this post I'm well aware of the fact that I'm about a week and half out from this huge growth experience. On Saturday, October 17 I will be running my first 50 mile race at the Palo Duro Trail Run outside of Amarillo, Texas. Just getting to this point has been a huge opportunity for growth as I've trained really intensely for the last 6 months; had to hot summer days in training; nagging injuries; and just the mental capacity to focus on a task like this for an extended period of time. And probably the most important factor in all of this is that it has been a team effort. Without the support of my wife and kids I wouldn't even be able to do this. They have sacrificed a lot for me to do this event. So I'm really looking forward to driving out there with them in a rented motor home as we experience this race together. Though my challenge just happens to be a running event right now, all of us find our own challenges in life to help us grow. Many of you have set out on challenges that required you to show up and risk failure...and those experiences have helped you grow

 

So in this episode I want to explore with you:

  • what it would look like for you to show up ("get wet")
  • what does it look like for you to risk failure and what can you learn from that
  • reframing success
  • growing vs. regressing vs. static states
  • fears/anxieties of taking risks/growing
  • what your next steps might look like

 

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

 

Topics and Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Palo Duro Trail Run

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Sep 28, 2015

I'm always super excited to bring guests on to my podcast and introduce you to new people and the amazing work they are doing. And Jessica Pass is one of those amazing people that I have been wanting to bring on for a while.

I first met Jessica in August of 2005 when we both entered into Fuller Theological Seminary's MFT program in the same cohort. We spent the next couple of years sharing classes, studying, and learning from each other. Since then we have gone on to become really good friends and colleagues, and she is one of the people that I almost inevitably call up when I have questions about my practice or therapy.

Jessica has a private practice in Houston, Texas where she specializes in several things, but is really passionate about her work with women and teen girls. She also has trained in Brene Brown's the Daring Way, as well as recently being trained as a yoga instructor to help her in her work of yoga therapy.

In this episode we explore:

  • the topic of women and anger
  • the importance of breathing and breathwork
  • her recent training as a yoga instructor
  • yoga therapy
  • how yoga is received/perceived in some Christian communities
  • the work of Brene Brown and her Daring Way
  • etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

People and Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Brene Brown

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

The Daring Way

Sep 23, 2015

One of the most powerful and life shaping influences in our lives is our family of origin. It is the primary context in which we develop, and that development continues on through the rest of our lives...this is the reason I decided to talk about this topic on this weeks podcast. Lots of people that I work with in my counseling practice in Plano, Texas, or in organizations and churches, often fail to take into account just how powerful one's family of origin is on their lives. Sure, they are aware of the fact that their family shapes them, but often we assume that as we get older we somehow grow out of that, or are better able to make different choices. But the reality is, what we learned in childhood is just repeated in adulthood, unless we identify the pattern, practice awareness around it, and begin to create intentional change. That just takes time and practice.

In this episode I explore:

  • what the family of origin is.
  • why the family of origin is so important in shaping us.
  • my experience with family of origin.
  • what a genogram is.
  • the 3 day rule.
  • examples of how what we learn in childhood repeats itself in adulthood
  • the power of systems in our family of origin.
  • strategies to work through your family of origin issues.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Restoration Therapy by Terry Hargrave Murray Bowen Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert Genogram GenoPro (not mentioned in episode but great tool)

Sep 15, 2015
"The people who are having the greatest impact are the people who have heaps of this one thing... Trust." (Learning to Master the Art of Trust, pp. 1)

You may recognize Aubrey's name from episode 14 which was a very popular episode. In that episode we explored his family's move to Tennessee from Texas last year and their reasons behind that: a desire for family togetherness, simplifying life, and leaving margin for exploration. These reasons really resonated with many of you and led to some great discussions and life changes for some of you.

So I was super excited to bring Aubrey back on to the show with the release of his new book, Mastering the Art of Trust. Trust is a foundational aspect of healthy relationships, and without it...well, it is hard to create a safe environment for people to thrive. Trust is something that almost every person I work with in counseling explores at some point, and it often becomes the key issue on whether or not they can move forward in specific relationships. But trust just isn't confined to family relationships, marriage and dating, but is an important component in any organization structure.

I am very thankful that Aubrey decided to tackle such an important topic and write about it in such a succint and powerful way. What I love about the book is the depth to which Aubrey explores trust in a minimalist approach. This book is not some long tome on trust, but a manifesto with immediate real world assessment and application.

In this episode we explore:

  • the impetus that led to Aubrey writing a book on trust.
  • the important lessons he learned from others when it comes to trust.
  • the key building blocks of trust: communication, relational equity.
  • trust builders
  • trust breakers
  • assessments in the book that can be utilize by individuals, groups and organizations
  • and much more.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Mastering the Art of Trust: Unlocking the Power of Your Greatest Conribution

 

 

Sep 9, 2015

It is not unusual for me to be sitting across from a man in my therapy office as he relays to me the story about when he first learned that it was not okay for boys to cry. It is usually a very powerful moment. I have heard men of all ages and backgrounds tell this story. And though the characters and contexts are different, the take away message is always the same. It is not safe for men to show emotions.

One of the more powerful moments came in my work with a man in his 70's as he recalled with tears in his eyes that incident 70 years earlier when his father told him to stop crying. That event was 70 years ago and it had a profound shaping affect on that man's understanding of masculinity and what defines it.

I am super passionate about helping men identify their feelings. Because if a man can identify them, understand them, name them...have words and language for them...he often begins to not only understand himself better, but so do those people in relationship with him. He begins to own his own story in the words of Brene Brown in Rising Strong. And once he can begin to identify his feelings then we are off and running. He then learns to be able to connect those feelings to the negative coping behaviors that he has probably, and automatically, operated out of most of his life. And it's this awareness that I know eventually leads to powerful change for that man. For without the awareness, one cannot change.

I've seen men's lives changed in this process and it has changed my life as well. So it's important to me to help you better understand why men have a hard time connecting to their emotions, and what role you may play in that for good or bad.

In this episode I explore:

  • our culture's pressure on men to not cry and to just "be a man."
  • how boys are as equally expressive as young girls...but then why that changes.
  • how a man can begin the process of identifying and connecting to his feelings/emotions
  • what role the people in men's lives have in either perpetuating the belief that it's not okay for men to cry...or in helping create a safe place for men to be vulnerable.
  • how to create a safe space for men to be vulnerable.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Two Words You Should Never Tell a Boy (blog post)

What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith

Rising Strong by Brene Brown

I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real

Aug 31, 2015

I love to run. It's one of my favorite things to do, and more recently I recorded a podcast episode on how running has changed my life. One of my bigger accomplishments was running my first 50k about a year and a half ago with my friend and neighbor Eric Fortner at the Ft. Worth Cowtown. I loved the opportunity to test my limits and to train as much as I could with other people such as Eric. This last year I committed to run the Palo Duro 50 Mile Train Run with Eric and one of our other friends Clay Shapiro. I tell you all of this because I've just been able to come into contact with some amazing people in the running community and I continue to hear stories and come across even more.

About 6 months ago Eric started telling me about a friend of his, Melissa Martinez. He talked about her passion for both running and her faith, which is something that I am passionate about as well. In the last 10 years that I have really been running I have seen such a beautiful integration of both the physical and spiritual in the act of running. So in this episode I was happy to connect with Melissa and her more about her running journey and how it inspires her faith. Melissa is an accomplished runner at all distances (Boston Marathon for one), and has lately been testing the ultrarunning distances out. So I was excited to talk with her about this and many other things. In this episode we explore:

  • Melissa's history with running and her journey to where she is today.
  • some key turning moments in her training and races.
  • inspiring stories of Melissa's interactions with other runners.
  • what she has learned from her running that applies to her faith and vice-versa.
  • looking for opportunities beyond personal bests and finish lines during a race.
  • her weekly/monthly training regime of running and weightlifting.
  • her participation with Team 413 running.
  • her blog (she posts 5 times a week about her faith and running)

Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode

Grace Runner 413 (blog)

Team 413

Blog post on Nick Symmonds

Aug 26, 2015

I love technology. It has absolutely shaped my life in some amazing ways in the last 12 years especially. Technology can encompass all kinds of things, but the technology I'm primarily speaking about here have to do with computers, cell phones and social media. In fact, there was a season of my life for about 7-8 years where I spoke quite frequently on the role of technology in our lives, specifically the impact it can have not only on us, but in our relationships. Though I don't go out and speak on technology as often these days, it's still something that I talk about everyday in my work with my clients and in my personal relationships.

In this episode I wanted to briefly explore 3 aspects of technology that I think are really important. These three aspects are constant and never changing which is an important distinction in the world of technology which feels like it's always changing. The three aspects are:

  • technology shapes us
  • technology informs our identity
  • technology needs boundaries as we use it

I think that if someone grasps these three components of technology, then they can successfully navigate the world of technology in some healthy ways.

So in this episode I explore:

  • the importance of thinking about technology and the impact is has on us as we use it.
  • the idea that technology is not neutral.
  • the metaphor of a shovel in describing technology as a tool that shapes us.
  • the idea that technology often is a tool that mediates our relationships.
  • the metaphor of a mirror in describing how technology informs our identity.
  • the idea that technology needs boundaries in our use of it.
  • the metaphor of a tray/basket in describing how technology needs boundaries.
  • ways that people can immediately go out and engage in some healthy practices and boundaries in their technology use.

Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode

The Influence of Technology in our Lives

Maintaining Relational Presence in a Technological World

From the Garden to the City: The Redeeming and Corrupting Power of Technology by John Dyer

The Saturated Self: Dilemmas of Identity in Contemporary Life by Kenneth Gergen

Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man by Marshall McLuhan

Two Technology Tips That Will Transform Your Relationships

Exploring the Way that Technology Shapes Us, Our Relationships, and our Faith -- with Author, Technologist and Theologian, John Dyer

Aug 18, 2015

I know it's a cliche and commonplace to say that you are "busy" when someone asks how you are doing. I find myself saying that a lot, and more recently I've tried to correct that by questioning why am I so busy? And do I like being busy and do I get something from it?

So I get it. I know we all live busy lives, but something that has been a concern for me since day one of my therapy practice (and probably before then in my ministry experience) was the over-scheduling of our kid's lives. I work with kids who play multiple sports and often all year round. They are expected to perform on the field and then get straight A's in the classroom. And on top of that they are expected to be socially well-rounded and involved in all kinds of other activities whether it be youth group, a musical instrument, volunteering, etc. And what this often leads to is just a bunch of burnt out kids. It may not be noticeable at first, but by the time they get to high school and into college you start to see the effects...anxiety, depression, addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. I have worked with lots of kids who finally had enough and escaped into unhealthy things, or just quit things all together. While many just want a break and struggle to find motivation again.

I decided to bring Dr. Neil Stafford on because he's a friend, colleague and classmate of mine who has expertise in working with kids and families, and I thought that his position as a psychologist in private practice and on staff of an elementary school made him the right fit to discuss these things.

In this episode we explore:

  • our culture's obsession with busyness.
  • parents who over-schedule their kid's lives.
  • parents who work out their "issues" through their kid's activities rather than working on them on their own.
  • the importance of listening to your kids from a very young age.
  • anxiety, stress, depression, burning out in kids who are over-scheduled.
  • importance of parents sticking to new techniques rather than giving up on them after a few attempts.
  • Meg Meeker's rule of one activity, per kid, per grading period.

 

Resources and Sites Mentioned in this Episode

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

1-2-3 Magic Parenting

Dr. Ross Greene

Center for Collaborative Problem Solving

Live in the Balance

Facebook Page

Podcast on iTunes

Website

Aug 11, 2015

About 15 years ago as I was reading through the Bible a specific passage jumped out at me and forever changed my life. I remember the moment 15 years ago...that's how powerful this simple little verse was. The verse read:

"From the wilderness of Sin the whole congregation of the Israelites journeyed by stages, as the Lord commanded." -- Exodus 17:1

I was captivated by this idea that God journeyed his people...the whole congregation...the whole community that is...out of the desert wilderness. But he didn't do it in one fell swoop, but literally, stage by stage. In fact, we know that the journey which should have taken only about 13 days into the Promised Land, actually took 40 years. Talk about a journey.

What fascinated me as I continued to read about this journey was that you get a real sense of this stage by stage movement in Numbers 33 where over 40 times in the first 48 verses of that chapter that the community "left" a place and "camped" somewhere else.

We are a people faced with constant change and always in transition. Often our desire is to find comfort and security, to just stay put and resist change. But the reality is that when we face our anxieties and move through change and transition we grow in the process. I can't think of one good story where the character resisted change and came out a more compelling figure. It just doesn't happen.

So why is it that we are so resistant to change and transition in our own lives? And how can we navigate it better? In this episode I explore a couple of different ideas:

  • how anxiety is really our cue to keep moving forward and change, rather than hunker down.
  • the difference between change and transition.
  • what the move from orientation, to disorientation, to new orientation looks like

I love this quote by William Bridges from his book Transitions:

Our society confuses them constantly, leading us to imagine that transition is just another word for change. But it isn’t. Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to a new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one, or it is the acquisition that your company just made.
In other words, change is situational. Transition on the other hand, is psychological (bold added for emphasis). It is not those events, but rather the inner reorientation and self-redefinition that you have to go through in order to incorporate any of those changes into your life. Without a transition, a change is just a rearrangement of the furniture. Unless transition happens, the change won’t work, because it doesn’t ‘take.’ Whatever word we use, our society talks a lot about change; but it seldom deals with transition. Unfortunately for us, it is the transition that blind-sides us and is often the source of our troubles.

And in this episode I want to address all of you who are facing change, and help encourage you to think through the actual transitional aspects of that change.

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes by William Bridges

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith

The Message of the Psalms by Walter Brueggemann

Aug 4, 2015

About 5 years ago I was introduced to a therapy model that changed my life. And that's not an exaggeration. It literally changed my life, beginning with me, then my marriage, then my parenting, then my therapy work, then friendships, and eventually in the work I do with organizations, churches and corporations. I was introduced to a model of therapy developed by Terry Hargrave called Restoration Therapy. Actually, at the time I didn't know it as Restoration Therapy, but rather as the 5 Days to a New Marriage model that was developed for The Hideaway Experience by Terry and Shawn Stoever. Essentially, from what I know, Terry and Shawn created a model for the marriage intensives based on Terry's Restoration Therapy work that he was developing, and which was eventually written by Terry and Franz Pfitzer under the title Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy.

 

In October 2010 I attended my first marriage intensive and sat "3rd chair", which essentially means I was not one of the co-therapists, but was rather there to observe...and speak/share if I felt compelled. I was so intimidated by that first experience I remember saying very little, but I also remember being blown away by the transformation I witnessed taking place with the 4 couples who were there that weekend. It was an unbelievable team effort between the founders/operators Steve and Rajan Trafton, the two therapists, the cook (who provided all the meals)...and of course the 4 couples who ended up really being some of the biggest encouragers of transformation for the other couples. If you are curious about what this experience is like, I blogged about it early on. I ended up staying on staff of The Hideaway Experience for about four years and it continues to be one of the most amazing experiences I have had in working with clients, especially couples, as well as being an amazing experience for me. Eventually it was difficult for me in my stage of life (young family, growing practice, etc.) to continue to travel to Palo Duro to do an intensive, so I eventually resigned, but continue to be in collaboration with them, as well as referring clients to them and working with couples after they do an intensive.

 

But all of these experiences led me to really want to dive more in depth into Restoration Therapy so I could better understand the change I was seeing in individuals and couples I worked with, as well become a better practitioner of the model. So in December of 2014 I started Level I training with Terry, and then completed Level II training with Terry in May and June of this year. Now I'm a certified Restoration Therapy therapist...it has helped me better understand a model I had already been practicing for about the last 4+ years.

 

As I have stated above, this is a model that has changed my life, so I use it with all my clients to varying degrees, whether individual, couples or families. And what I have learned from it I implement in my relationships, whether it be my wife, kids, parents, friends or colleagues. That being said, I decided it was time to do a podcast about Restoration Therapy. There is so much I could talk about, but I thought I could start with just a general overview of some of its features, as well as how the Pain and Peace Cycles work. There is definitely more to be said on this topic, and I will continue to write some posts on it, as well as record some podcasts on the topic, and eventually have Terry Hargrave on the podcast, as well as Steve and Rajan Trafton, and my good friend Todd Sandel who was the first to train me at The Hideaway Experience.

 

So in this podcast I do my best to talk through some of the features of Restoration Therapy and how it can be applied to your life and relationships.

In the podcast I discuss:

  • my experience at The Hideaway Experience early on and eventually as a co-therapist.
  • my experience in learning the 5 Days to a New Marriage (i.e. Restoration Therapy) and how I began to apply it to my practice.
  • how Restoration Therapy changed people's lives.
  • my desire to learn more about Restoration Therapy, and eventually go train with Terry Hargrave
  • the 4 elements of Restoration Therapy: a) helping people identify and understand their pain (fostering awareness in the client of their destructive pattern); b) promote emotional regulation through helping the client identify their truth (teaching the client to take responsibility for themselves); c) provide cognitive map for understanding new behavior (helping client make choices); d) practice of these steps (mindfulness/experiential).
  • Restoration Therapy's focus on attachment, emotional regulation, and mindfulness.
  • the Pain Cycle
  • the Peace Cycle
  • Restoration Therapy's 4 steps: a) say what you feel; b) say what you normally do; c) say your truth; d) say what action you will do differently.
  • how I've used the Restoration Therapy model for individuals, couples, families, churches, organizations and corporations.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes

Stitcher

Player FM

Libsyn

Resources Discussed in This Episode

The Hideaway Experience

Steve and Rajan Trafton

5 Days to a New Marriage

Terry Hargrave

Restoration Therapy and Restoration Therapy Training

Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy

Shawn Stoever

Winshape

Todd Sandel

LifeGate Counseling

Jul 28, 2015

As a kid I loved to run. Whether it was chasing or racing friends, running was something that I grew up loving to do. And I continued to run in high school, competing in the 110 meter high hurdles, 300 meter intermediate hurdles and the 4 x 400. But somewhere over the years I noticed I stopped running as much. Sure, I still ran a couple of nights a week, but that was more of an ad on to my weight lifting routine, and just another avenue that I thought would help me stay fit.

But in the Spring of 2006 my brother Wyatt called me to see if I wanted to run the Chicago Marathon with him. I don't remember the details of our conversation, but I remember agreeing to do do with very little hesitancy. Sure, I had never run more than 3 miles at one time in my life, but that didn't seem to bother me. I guess I figured I would....figure it out. So I trained for 16 weeks and ended up running the marathon in about 4:13. And at that moment I became addicted to running. I entered another marathon, ran a few 5K's, half-marathons, and eventually a 50k in February of 2014. And at the time of this writing I am training for the Palo Duro 50 Mile race in October.

And over the years, especially this last year, I have really found that not only has running continued to transform my life, but it has brought me great joy. I look forward to getting out and running because I never come back from a run with any regrets.

In this podcast I explore several things:

  • my own personal journey with running and how it has transformed my life.
  • 10 benefits (and more) that running brings to your life.
  • 7 tips to get you started in running, or to help renew your interest in running.
  • 5 books that have inspired my running and that will inspire you.

 

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner by Dean Karnazes

Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Most Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll

Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Ever Seen by Christopher McDougall

Why We Run: A Natural History by Bernd Heinrich

Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J. Ratey and Eric Hagerman

Jul 21, 2015

I love interviewing guests on this podcast, but summer has been a bit difficult on the podcast schedule with so many people on vacation and needing to reschedule. But I have some great guests lined up for the future and we will cover some interesting topics. So for this week I decided I wanted to cover two questions that I seem to inevitably get when I'm out speaking on marriage and parenting. The questions come in a variety of forms, but they essentially boil down this this:

  • When is a good time to go see a marriage therapist?
  • How many activities can my kid participate in?

Those are the questions in essence, but often what isn't being explicitly asked is really what the question is about. For example, in that first question, what is often being asked but not said is, "We have issues in our marriage, but I don't know if we should get help." Or, "I want to go in and see a counselor, but my spouse doesn't want to." Or, "Is it too late to go and get help." I get the question a lot because marriages suffer from all kinds of issues, but people are often fearful to reach out for help. And the second question is less about how many it seems, but more about what's happening in the family in my experience. What's not being said is, "My child is overwhelmed from sports and school, but I'm afraid if I pull them out of things they will fall behind and not be able to compete." Or something like, "Please validate the number of activities that my kid is in so I don't feel like a bad parent." You get the point...the questions are always about other things as well. So in this podcast I address those two questions, but dive in a little deeper and discuss:

  • marital drift
  • the kid centered marriage
  • what are some of the indicators that let you know it's a good time to see a counselor?
  • how do you identify the right marriage therapist?
  • what is marriage therapy like?
  • how I work as a therapist in the context of marriage counseling.
  • the importance of a vision statement for a family.
  • creating "white space" in the family calendar.
  • anxiety, stress and depression in kids when overscheduled.
  • how parents can model decision making skills by limiting activities.
  • Meg Meeker's after-school activity, per kid, per grading period.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes

Stitcher

Player FM

Resources/Topics Mentioned in the Episode

My colleague Corey over at Simple Marriage has a good article on Marital Drift

Meg Meeker's one after-school activity per kid, per grading period rule

Last week's podcast on creating a family vision/mission statement

Jul 13, 2015

About 4-5 years ago my wife and I's life was in a pretty hectic place. Like many of you, we were a double-income family, trying to both balance out time for our work, our family life, and our marriage. And like many of you, we sort of felt like life was just sort of happening to us. We felt like we were more passive observants of our own life, rather than intentionally participating in it. And at about that same time, my good friend and colleague Todd Sandel had started talking to me about a book that had really helped his family's life. Todd is married with four kids, and I really admire what he and his wife Beverly have created in their family. So I was eager to learn the trick.

Todd mentioned that he had read and implemented the book The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni. So I went home and read that book as quickly as I could. And over the course of the next year my wife and I sat down to read through the book together and create our own family vision/mission statement. This exercise has become one of the best things we have done for our marriage and family life, as it helps us be more intentional about who we want to be, and what we spend our time doing. Rather than life just happening to us, we feel like we have a more focused trajectory to aim for. (Check out the blog posts I wrote below about this process). In this podcast you will:

  • learn about the impetus that motivated Heather and I to create our own vision/mission statement.
  • learn what the 3 big questions are, and how to go about answering and implementing them.
  • learn to identify what makes you/relationship/family unique.
  • learn to identify your "rallying cry"
  • learn how to hold weekly meetings
  • hear what our family vision/mission statement is
  • see the piece of art Heather created to remind us of our statement (see below)

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes

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Links and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni

Short and Simple: Why Your Family Should Use the 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family

How Do You Answer the 3 Big Questions for Your Frantic Family

Frantic Family - Question #1

Frantic Family - Question #2

Frantic Family - Question #3

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