Over the course of the last 3 years I have really been experimenting with my diet. That is to day, I have been adding and subtracting certain foods that I consume, and then I pay attention to see what the results yield. And it's because of this experimentation that I have really been arriving at a place where I have noticed just how drastically the right food can improve my overall healthy, fitness and relationships.

I once heard someone say that change begins with what's on your plate. And without going into other ideas I have about that (especially theologically), I agree that as humans, what we put into our body affects so much of who we are and the experiences we have.

This started several years ago when I decided to just give skim milk up on a whim and switch over to almond milk. I haven't looked back as I noticed immediate changes in how I felt. It soon followed with giving up cheese, and then dairy. And then I started giving up more and more meat, and adding more and more vegetables. Somewhere along the way I introduced a daily green smoothie into the mix, and this last Lent I gave up meat for 55 days. All these experiments have impacted me in some very positive ways, and I have seen the ramifications in how my diet has affected my fitness (especially my running), my relationships (especially with my wife and kids), and just my overall health (I haven't been sick or had a cold in probably over 3 years).

So I'm interested to see what happens to your life when you begin to experiment with your diet. I'm not a licensed dietitian or medical doctor, so make sure you consult them first when making any changes that might negatively impact your health. But also realize that we are responsible to be good stewards of our lives, and that includes our physical bodies...so do the research because the information is everywhere. And then try eliminating and adding various things from your diet and see what happens.

In this episode:

• I explore the importance of being responsible for your food choices and health.
• I talk about my experience with giving up milk, cheese and then dairy.
• I talk about giving up meat for 55 days and what that experience was like.
• I talk about the importance of not getting bogged down and shaming yourself when you make bad food choices..but start again fresh the next day.
• I talk about how you can begin to experiment with your diet.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode Rich Roll

Running is not new to this blog or podcast. In fact, I've done episodes on various aspects of running before (listen to Episode 20, Episode 25, and Episode 32.)

But a couple of things have changed since I last talked about running on the podcast. First, I am just about to complete my certification as a Level I Running Coach through the RRCA. I've been wanting to do this for a while and was so excited to take the course. I had a great time with the cohort. Second, one of the main reasons I wanted to get certified was so that I could bring that knowledge to some therapy running groups I am working on starting. Even though I have been running through years and feel that I can be helpful to runners when building a program...I really wanted the information and knowledge to do it in a way that just wasn't relying on my experience since every runner is different.

So, in this episode:

• I talk briefly about my coaching certification process.
• I share my desire to start therapy running groups in my practice.
• And I review the 4 key components of self-care that running engages.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

RRCA Coaching Certification

Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll

Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Ever Seen by Chistopher McDougall

Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek

Why We Run: A Natural History by Bernd Heinrich

Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner by Dean Karnazes

I've been thinking a lot recently about the struggle we have of living in the tension of things not coming to fruition as quickly as we would like. We live in a fast-paced culture that expects everything on demand...and quickly. But where the tension comes in is that the life of faith is not a life that can be obtained on demand, or often very quickly. God doesn't seem to concerned about doing things quickly, or on my time frame. God seems to work at a different pace than me...and that can create a lot of anxiety and impatience.

We may want things done in a day, but God has shown that sometimes the journey make take 40 years. Time and time again I'm struck by the fact that the journey for the Israelites from captivity in Egypt into the Promised Land was a essentially a 13 day journey...but it took 40 years. Often people will quote Jeremiah 29:11-12 to me (which is a wonderful passage), but I have to bring to attention that verse 10 reminds them they will spend 70 years in captivity first.

So God isn't in a hurry to accomplish things, and we have to begin to learn to live in the tension of our anxious impatience for things to be done quickly and in the way we want it to be done. In this episode I reflect on the varied journeys that God takes us on in our life, and as I do this I share some passages from my book The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

One of the more tricky aspects of working with adolescents is trying to discern at times what is "typical" teenage behavior, and what is depression. I mean most of us can remember back to our own teenage days where we experienced bouts of moodiness, irritability, and wanted to isolate ourselves from others, or at least our parents. And just because we experienced those things that didn't necessarily make us a candidate for a diagnosis of depression.

I wrote about this issue last year for the Fuller Youth Institute in an article called Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers. That article got a lot of attention, and it's such a big topic, that I'm currently working on another article for the Fuller Youth Institute on depression and adolescents...hence why I decided to do a podcast episode on this topic.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Article

Fuller Youth Institute

Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers

National Institute of Mental Health -- Depression

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

DSM 5

Over the course of the last 3 months I have really been wrestling with the question of "how good of a listener am I?" I've always thought I was a good listener...I mean, my vocation is essentially to listen to people all day. But I'm sure my clients....and my wife, would tell you that I'm also a pretty active talker. I am pretty open and share a lot with people. But honestly, how well do I listen?

This question all came about when I started reading Adam McHugh's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's book really challenged me on this question of my listening ability. Because what I realized after reading his book, is that most of us are not that great of listeners. We may think we are, but at the end of the day there are so many ways we can grow in this area. I interviewed Adam on this topic in Episode 51 of this podcast. And after reading the book and talking with him, I really set out to become a better listener...and to continue to really grow in this area of my life.

One of the benefits of becoming aware of this issue, is that I started to think of creative way that I could help my clients become better listeners in their own lives. And so over the course of the last few months I have been encouraging people in relationships...specifically couples that I see, and parent child relationships that I work with...to try out what I call the 3 Day Listening Exercise. It's actually fairly simple in its mechanics, but difficult for many in practice.

Here's what it looks like in a simple breakdown:

• When I notice relationships having a hard time listening to each other, and even greater difficulty in validating one another so that they feel heard, I have been recommending this exercise.
• I ask couples to schedule 3 days of listening: That involves picking a 10 minute time each day, for 3 consecutive days...to work on this exercise. For example: "Let's schedule 8:30pm on Tuesday night; 8:30 on Wednesday night; 9:00pm on Thursday night." Something like this. And I urge couples to make it a priority by putting it on the calendar. Scheduling it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously pursues engagement, and it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously avoids engagement.
• Day 1: Designate one person the listener, and the other the speaker. The listener's job is only to do that...LISTEN. Don't think of a rebuttal; or a defense; or a question to ask; don't finish the speaker's sentences. Do everything you can to just listen and really hear what is being said. This also involves watching how you posture yourself, your facial gestures, etc...as those can communicate as much about whether or not you are listening. And avoid any of what John Gottman describes as the 4 Horsemen which are conversation killer...really they are relationship killers. The speaker's job is to talk to the listener about something they want the listener to really get about them; to understand about them. Often I ask the speaker to just "share their heart" with the listener. I ask, "What do you want your spouse/child/parent/friend to really know about you?" Sometimes the exercise is used to talk about one topic (i.e. money, sex, work, parenting, etc.), but often I just use it get couples to begin to really practice listening to each other. Don't get too caught up on what to talk about...it's really about figuring out what you want that person to understand about you. And as the speaker, your job is to communicate in as effective a way to get the listener to really get you. So it's not a time for the speaker to blame, or to criticize, or abuse the space the listener is giving them.
• Once you have done this, then set a timer for 10 minutes. Yes, don't skip this step. Structure is important, especially for relationships that have a hard time emotionally regulating. And the more structure you practice, the more capable you will be in using more freedom later in conversations.
• Then start the timer and go. Once the timer goes off...that's it! No extra conversation. No questions. Nothing. It's important to learn to sit in that anxiety of not being able to respond, and to work on regulating your emotion. So when it's over, go back to what you were doing.
• Day 2: This is a repeat of Day 1, but you switch roles. Do the same thing as Day 1.
• Again..it's important to remember that this exercise is effective in that it stretches out conversation, helping people in relationships better understand each other; helps regulate emotion; helps people learn to sit in the anxiety of the unfinished conversation for now.
• Day 3: On day 3 you are going to do something different. You are going to set the timer for 15 minutes and now enter into a dialogue about what you heard each other say the last two days. This is really an opportunity to validate and affirm the other person, rather than an opportunity to talk more about yourself and what you want to share. One can really tell after watching couples do this, who is really interested in listening to each other...and who is really more concerned about just defending their positions, etc.
• The beauty in the 3 days is that it teaches patience in the listening process, and it creates a beautiful space in the relationship that tells the speaker, I want you to be heard and known. And the listener demonstrates the love and care they have for the speaker by creating a silent space to take in everything that speaker is saying.

  That's the exercise in a few simple steps. I recommend that couples, friends, parent/child, co-workers, not only do this one time, but that they repeat this exercise weekly, time and time again. Enough times that they eventually create a great habit that turns into a real natural way of communicating with one another. And I believe that if relationships practice this enough, they will see an increase in their emotional regulation and the feeling of being heard and understood. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

People and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction

This last weekend I had one of the greatest experiences I have ever had...and that was being able to co-lead a marriage workshop with my wife Heather. Over the last 10 years I have had the opportunity to lead a lot of marriage retreats, conferences, workshops, give talks, etc...but this was the first time I have teamed up with my wife. And I absolutely loved co-leading with her and am looking forward to other opportunities we will have in the future to do this.

It was out of this context though that I gained some more insight into something that I have been thinking about for a few months. And it was only reaffirmed through the many questions that couples had this weekend.

And it is this. I think that for many of us, especially in relationships...when something doesn't work we scramble to find the next thing that will fix our problem. We look for another counselor that is practicing from a different model. We try a new listening technique. We go on vacation to a new place. But all of these things are really distractions from the most essential thing.

And what is the most essential thing?

The most essential thing I have come to learn is practice. We can have all the insight in the world, but unless we actually put it into continuous practice...it never takes root, and we continue to repeat the behavior we have been wanting to change. All of us are looking for the shiny silver bullet that is going to fix things. But in reality, if often comes down to the fact that we have the exact tool we need in front of us...but we just have to use it. And use it over and over and over again.

One of my favorite tools which I have talked about a lot on earlier podcasts is the Pain and Peace Cycle...but it's a tool that has to be practiced over and over again. It's through the practice of this too that safe connection is created in a relationship. And that leads to change. Here are some podcasts where I have talked about this model and the practice of it:

• Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle
• 4 steps to Practice
• Fostering "usness" in Relationships
• Using the Pain and Peace Cycle to Create Differentiation

And as my wife and co-led the retreat this weekend and shared our story, I realized just how much work we had put into practicing this tool over the last 5 years. What would have happened if we didn't practice it and looked for something else to fix things? Well, we wouldn't be where we are today. I'm thankful for the hard work and practice we put into this model, and I encourage you to put in the hard work and practice on whatever you are working on in your relationships. When you hit conflict or resistance....keep practicing. And it will be through your practice in the conflict and resistant that will lead to change.

In this episode:

• I talk about the opportunity I had to co-lead a marriage retreat with my wife.
• I discus our tendency as people in relationships to always be looking for the next tool to fix things.
• I discuss the importance of practice and how practice leads to proficiency.
• I encourage you to think about the one thing you can practice over and over again to create change in your life, relationships, work, etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Sharon Hargrave

Restoration Therapy

Marriage Strong

The Hideaway Experience

I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog...so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.

I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano...as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one's self, relationships and organizations.

This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.

So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.

At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.

So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.

In this episode we explore:

• Terry's journey into the field of marriage and family therapy.
• Terry's interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker.
• Terry's early training and work in the contextual family therapy model.
• what the Restoration Therapy model is.
• Terry's development of the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships.
• 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness.
• the Pain Cycle.
• the Peace Cycle.
• the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model.
• mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of practice in creating change.
• and more.....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Contextual Family Therapy

Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi

Jay Haley

Carl Whitaker

Restoration Therapy Training

Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave

5 Days to a New Marriage

The Hideaway Experience

Dan Siegel

John Gottman,couples, and emotional regulation

Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.

Fuller Theological Seminary changed my life, so it's probably not a surprise that you see me talking about the seminary so much. Fuller was and is an amazing community of people who provide a safe place for someone to wrestle with the big questions of faith. Fuller challenged me to think about my faith, rather than just tell me how to think. But they also provided the boundaries to work that out in a loving community who loves Jesus Christ. I tell you all of this because I'm continually astounded by the work that they continue to do, the graduates that come out of there, and the professors and administration that guide them. And Fuller Youth Institute is no exception.

Under the direction of Kara Powell, Brad Griffin, and many others, FYI is the premier place that continues to research and provide resources to families on a large number of topics. I am constantly referring clients and colleagues to their website as it's one of the best places at the intersection of youth, families, faith, justice and technology.

In this episode I had the opportunity to sit down with Brad Griffin who is the Associate Director of FYI, and who over the years I have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with. Ironically enough, Brad and I have only met one time in person several years ago. But over the years he has been my main encouragement and editor on the many articles that I have written for FYI. Brad, you made my articles sound great...thank you. In this episode we cover a lot of ground. There were so many more things I wanted to be able to discuss with Brad, so I will definitely have him back on the podcast. But we covered a lot around the intersection of faith, families and technology, while focusing a lot on the pressure kids experience in our culture with the overscheduling of their lives.

But in this episode we explore:

• the work of Fuller Youth Institute
• the Sticky Faith research and curriculum
• the epidemic of overscheduling kid's lives.
• youth and sports.
• NCAA latest report on youth and the specialization of kids in one sport.
• the transmission of faith in families.
• how we can successfully navigate the use of technology in families.
• and so much more....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Fuller Youth Institute

Sticky Faith

Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World

Denise Pope's Research at Stanford

Race to Nowhere

Beyond Measure

Wendy Mogel

Madeline Levine

Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down across Generations by Vern Bengston

NCAA Survey Sheds Light on Athletes' Youth Sports Experience

"How do you get so much stuff done?"

That's one of the questions that I get quite a bit. Sometimes the comment comes from colleagues who wonder how I have a busy practice and still find time to write, blog, podcast, speak, teach, train for a 50 mile run, etc. And sometimes it comes from family members who wonder how I balance out all the things I do in my work, personal and family life. Though it's encouraging to hear those comments and think that I accomplish a lot, the truth is...I always feel like I'm behind. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. And I always feel like I could be less distracted, more disciplined, and productive.

But maybe that's more of my own issues coming up that I will have to work through with my therapist anyways. But the question is posed to me enough times that I have recently begun to reflect more on it. And I started wondering, "How do I get all the things done that others are seeing." And so for the last couple of weeks I have been reflecting on that question and wanted to share with you some of my insights. A lot of what I share in the podcast is probably not totally new to you. It's not earth shattering insight. Rather, it's what has helped me on this journey to clear distractions and focus on what is really important to me. And at the end of the day, productivity is not just about doing more, it's about creating the things I want to do...and if I'm constantly distracted and unfocused, I just won't be able to do those things.

In this episode I explore:

• the cost of distractions in our lives and how long it takes to regain focus.
• getting rid of cable TV and how that changed everything.
• eliminating news, sports and social media apps from my phone.
• some key ways to rearrange apps on your phone to maximize focus and cut down on mindless distractions.
• eliminating notifications on your computer and phone.
• how I am using the reading of longer and deeper works of writing to help me rewire my brain to achieve more focus.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

How Long It Takes to Get Back on Track After a Distraction

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I have been looking forward to having this conversation for a long time with my good friend Adam McHugh. Interestingly enough, Adam and I have known each other online for approximately 10 years, but have only met each other one time in person. But talking with Adam is pretty easy (not only because he's a good listener, he is super thoughtful and reflective in his responses), so I enjoyed this sprawling conversation on the topic of Adam's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's first book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, was a game changer for me, especially in not only helping me better understand myself (I am a borderline E/I in the Myers Briggs), but how important the role of introversion is in our faith communities.

Adam's new book has also been a game changer for me as well. So much so, that I have been referring it relentlessly to clients in my therapy practice, and quoting passages of it as well in session. It's definitely one of the best books I have read in a long time, and it has really shifted my perspective on listening. Not only did I realize that I am not as good of a listener as I thought I was, but it really showed me all the potential growth that lays ahead of me in this area. And honestly, I found that super exciting. To know that I can grow in this area and continue to transform the relationships that I am in is compelling. I cruised through the book in a couple of weeks and already started implementing new listening practices in my own life, as well as helping my clients work towards becoming better listeners in their relationships.

In this episode we explore:

• why Adam decided to write a book on listening.
• the role that Adam's work as a chaplain and pastor had in shaping him into a better listener.
• how we aren't as good of listeners as we think we are.
• the translation of a "listening heart" in 1 Kings 3:9.
• some suggestions for better listening.
• obstacles to good listening such as technology.
• the overwhelming amount of times that listening is mentioned in the Old and New Testaments.
• the awareness that is created when we listen to people's pain and track our own feelings/emotions and coping behavior.
• a new listening exercise that I have been using with couples.
• and much, much more.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction by Adam McHugh

Listening to People in Pain by Adam McHugh (at Conversations Journal)

Quiet Revolution

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading by Eugene Peterson

Every year as we turn the calendar from one year to the next, people are strategizing what goals they want to achieve for the year ahead. For years I used to make a list of "New Year's Resolutions" for myself, sometimes 30-60 items deep. But what would inevitably happen is that the moment I started falling behind on one of the resolutions, or I missed a day or two of working on them...I would feel down, like a failure, and I would just stop working on them. Some I would still stick with, but since I felt like a failure I would just wait and push those other resolutions off another year. You may even do this yourself.

So in the last couple of years I have been just focusing on one to two goals for the entire year, rather than this long list of resolutions, and that seems to have shifted things for me. Last year I focused on one main goal which was training for and running my first every 50 mile trail run...which I did accomplish with the support of my family and friends.

And what ultimately shifted things for me in this area of life was something I read in the book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg. If you haven't read it, check it out as it's a great book. But more than anything, one particular area of his work stood out to me. In the book he talks about the power of "keystone habits." These habits are the habits that if you do them they tend to set off a chain reaction of habits or movements in other areas of your life. In some ways, achieving a "keystone habit" will catalyze habits in other areas. In the podcast I describe it this way. A "keystone habit" for me is getting up early to work out. When I get up early to work out I have more energy for the day, my body feels better, I feel more alert, I tend to eat better throughout the day, drink more water, am more engaged with people, etc. So that one habit triggers other healthy habits for me. With this in mind I realized that all my training last year for the Palo Duro 50 Miler spawned a lot of other awesome habits for me. And then when I achieved the goal I had been working for, that shifted a lot of other things in my life helping me achieve other goals that I wasn't necessarily focusing all my energy on.

My "keystone habit" last year was running. That changed so many other things for me. But I also realize that my keystone goal (the 50 mile race) also changed so many things for me. So in this podcast I explore "keystone habits" which Duhigg writes so eloquently on, but I also talk about keystone goals, which I haven't really heard anyone else talk about before (but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist).

In this Episode I explore:

• the topic of self-care and it's 4 core areas; I discussed this in Episode 1 of this podcast.
• the concept of "keystone habits" by Charles Duhigg.
• the idea of creating keystone goals.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my physical life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my emotional/relational life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my mental life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my spiritual life.
• what it would look like for you to use "keystone habits" and keystone goals to achieve success in your personal self-care this year.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

Palo Duro Trail Run

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I talk about when to see a therapist and what to expect:

• The importance of having a safe and non-judgmental place/person to discuss your anxiety with.
• The importance of seeing an opportunity for growth in your anxiety.
• The importance of a plan to help with your anxiety.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I discuss a variety of tools and exercises to help with your anxiety:

• The importance of proper breathing to help regulate anxiety.
• How journaling can help you externalize your anxiety.
• Why self-care is so important in the regulating of anxiety.
• Etc. (see the above podcast where I talk about these tools at length (Episode 16).

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to help you grow from your anxiety:

• I explore how anxiety gives us an opportunity to grow in our lives.
• I talk about how the Bible stories are implicit with anxiety in the journey to follow after God, and how anxiety keeps us in pursuit.
• I want to encourage you to see your anxiety differently.

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to explore two things:

• What are the roots of your anxiety?
• What would it look like for you to take an honest look at your anxiety to better understand it?

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it.Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to impart to you two things:

• It's okay to be anxious. You are not alone.
• What anxiety looks and feels like, and what the numbers are in terms of anxiety and the population.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, Texas, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of families. And in working with a lot of families I get the chance to see the varying parenting styles that different parents use. So in this episode I want to focus on four different parenting styles that I think are the most common (at least in my experience), and to encourage you to think about whether or not you struggle with any of them. The truth is, none of us are perfect parents...it just doesn't exist. But at least we can become more aware of what styles we use that might be destructive, therefore, helping us make efforts to change some of them.

As I mention in the podcast, none of us are perfect parents, and we all struggle with different styles of destructive parenting (whether or not it's listed below). Sometimes we struggle with all of them. The one I struggle with the most is the "helicopter" parenting style -- which almost seems ludicrous when I think about it. How did I, who was raised with lots of freedom by Baby Boomer parents, become so overprotective. Some of it has to do with my pain cycle that I talked about in episodes last week. For example, because of the death of my mom at age 11, I tend to feel secure by taking control of certain things...myself...situations...and sigh....my kids. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but I think understanding our pain cycle is helpful in understanding how that may influence our parenting.

So as you listen to my struggle in the podcast, hopefully you will realize that you aren't alone in your destructive parenting styles. But hopefully the realization can lead to positive change.

In this episode I explore:

• four different, destructive parenting styles that I come into contact a lot in my counseling office.
• 1) passive or disengaged, parenting style
• 2) "helicopter" parent, parenting style
• 3) vicarious living, parenting style
• 4) busyness or activity driven, parenting style
• these four different, destructive parenting styles, and some ways to combat them

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.

#marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093

This last week I have spent some time talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship.

In today's episode I want to tie all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like. In this episode I share the concept of differentiation from some literary writings of Rainer Maria Rilke and Kahlil Gibran. I also look at how renowned sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch defines it. As well as looking at the concept from well known therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman.

In this episode I explore:

• the concept of differentiation
• Bohemian-Austrian Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughts on differentiation in relationships/marriage
• Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran's thoughts on differentiation in marriage
• Sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch's thoughts on differentiation in committed relationships
• boundaries and differentiation in the work of Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book Boundaries
• Paul's words in Galatians 6:2-5
• Therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman's thoughts on differentiation and leadership.

As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff...and more.

In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as "usness." In this episode I talk about this created "usness" and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of "usness", I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.

I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can't solve issues if you don't feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of "usness." And as that "usness" develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes...just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.

In this episode I explore:

• the concept of "usness"
• 7 steps to solving your problems/issues:
• identify and externalize the problem/issue
• walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle
• brainstorm options/solutions
• narrow down options/solutions
• set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions
• choose an option/solution (win-win)
• schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

This week I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle found in the work of Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle have transformed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work.

So in this episode I want to teach you how to use the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model to help you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle. I love the simplicity of the model in helping people create change, but like any long lasting, transformative change, it takes practice. And I find steps to be helpful guard rails to keep people along the path as they seek change. Often in conflict, people are in fight or flight mode, and so their ability to make good decisions can become limited. But if you have steps to help you in the midst of the conflict, they can be a great tool to bring order out of chaos.

In this episode I explore:

• review of the Pain Cycle
• review of the Peace Cycle
• the 4 steps:
• Step 1: Say what you feel
• Step 2: Say what you normally do
• Step 3: Say your truth
• Step 4: Say what you will do differently

In the previous podcast episode I talked about just how life transforming the Pain and Peace Cycle work have been to my life both personally and relationally. Ever since I learned these tools when I went on staff at The Hideaway Experience in 2010 I have continued to use them in all the work I do. I use them with clients. I use them with church staff. I use them with corporate organizations. And in all cases I see lives being transformed and I get good feedback about them.

The Pain and Peace Cycle were created by Terry Hargrave and can be found in his book Restoration Therapy where he talks at length and in depth about this model. Because I have found this model and these tools to be so helpful, I spent this last year in training with Terry Hargrave and became a Level II Certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

So in the previous episode I talk about the Pain Cycle, and in this episode I want to focus on the Peace Cycle. If the Pain Cycle is the negative pattern we create over time between our feelings and coping, then the Peace Cycle is about the positive pattern we create over time between our truth and actions. These two patterns comprise a different way of being in relationship with yourself and others. It's simply one of the best models out there, especially for couples and marriage.

In this episode I explore:

• what the Peace Cycle consists of
• what it means to connect to your truth
• how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
• 3 sources of finding our truth
• what it means to act out of your truth
• how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
• theological examples of being in a Peace Cycle

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

One of the tools that has changed my life in such an amazing way...that at times it's really hard to explain...is learning the Pain and Peace Cycle in the work of Terry Hargrave in his Restoration Therapy model. In fact, in Episode 21 of this podcast I talked about how it can change your life, your relationships, as well as church organizations and corporations. In fact, I have taught the Pain and Peace Cycle in all these settings and see it do just that...change lives.

So this week I wanted to dive in a bit more deep on this topic, but in a short manner. The reason, I get a lot of people contacting me about what the Pain and Peace Cycle is. They see me write about it, post about it on social media, or they might have heard me speak about it in person. But it's something I definitely talk a lot about in my work. I believe in it because I have experienced it first hand.

So this week I decided to put out a few episodes focusing on the Pain Cycle, the Peace Cycle, and how to practice it.

Today, I talk about the Pain Cycle and how you becoming aware of your own will change your life. It will change your life on both an individual and relational level.

In this episode I explore:

• Violations of Love and Trust
• How Violations of Love and Trust create your negative pattern of coping known as the Pain Cycle.
• What the Pain Cycle is
• How to identify the feelings in your Pain Cycle
• How to identify the coping behavior in your Pain Cycle

If you want to work through this at home, here is the initial Pain Cycle homework that I give my clients and others to work through. It's a pretty simple sheet to work on, so check it out:

Identifying and Practicing Your ‘Pain Cycle’

I have tried over the years to do a better job of giving thanks daily and living in gratitude. But like many of you I struggle. It would seem that I would have starts and stops, and then I would get excited about it again when a holiday like Thanksgiving rolled around to remind me about the importance of giving thanks.

But this is something that I know is important. The letters of Paul in the New Testament are filled with this idea of being thankful and giving thanks. I particularly like the Greek word for eucharist that Paul uses. The word means to literally give thanks and to be thankful (among other things), but also embedded in the word is the concept of grace coming from the Greek word charis (English translisteration/spelling). So eucharist is both an acknowledgment of what we are thankful for in the act of giving thanks, but it's also a recognition of the grace of God in our lives. I think giving thanks and living in gratitude is about both....being thankful and experiencing the working out of God's grace. Now it's been 16 years since I studied Greek and the finer points of my Koine Greek scholarship may be a bit rusty...but I think this view of eucharist is really important to our lives.

About two years ago I noticed that most of the people I listened to on podcasts, and the books I was reading, and the videos I was watching...there was a common thread. And the common thread was the importance of a daily practice of being thankful and living in gratitude for all these people. What was even more interesting was that this practice was a common thread across all kinds of factor such as race, gender, faith/non-faith background, socioeconomic status, etc. Everyone I was coming across was talking about how important this practice was to their lives. In fact, it was such a huge factor that despite circumstances, being thankful and living in gratitude changed the trajectory of their day, and of their life.

This may seem like common sense, especially from someone who grew up in the Church around the tradition of eucharist (communion, Lord's supper, etc.), and who is taught to give thanks in all circumstances. But knowing something and living it out are two different things. So this last January I asked for the Five Minute Journal for my birthday, and the beginning question in the journal is to name 3 things you are thankful for. This began my more disciplined practice this last year of daily looking to be thankful, living in gratitude, and experiencing the grace of God in my life.

In this episode I explore:

• the meaning of eucharist as both a giving of thanks and receiving of God's grace.
• ways to practice giving thanks and being grateful.
• journaling our thankfulness; verbalizing our thankfulness; creating a thankfulness tree.
• something you can practice this week.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Five Minute Journal

The Bible

Hanging out at our Strong Marriage training in Malibu, CA.

This last week my wife and I spent two days training with Sharon Hargrave in her Marriage Strong curriculum. There were several reasons why we wanted to attend the training: 1) We know how much working through our Pain and Peace Cycle has transformed our own marriage; 2) We have a desire to lead these groups in our neighborhood, community, and at workshops and conferences; and I in my practice. 3) I absolutely love the work of Terry and Sharon Hargrave.

In 2010 my colleague and good friend Todd Sandel started telling me about these amazing 4 day marriage intensives taking place at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas. After going up and sitting in a few of these marriage intensives, I eventually went on staff as one of the therapists, and helped co-lead marriage intensives there until 2014 when I eventually stepped off staff because of time constraints with my own practice and family life. It was here that I learned about the Pain and Peace Cycle through the 5 Days to a New Marriage model developed by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever for The Hideaway. I put this model to work fairly quickly in my own marriage...and it was then that a radical shift took place that has helped us really transform our marriage into what it is today.

I then went back to my therapy practice and began using this model not only with couples, but also individual clients and I saw people's lives dramatically change. It was through these experiences that I came to realize and really believe in the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle, and I wanted to do everything I could to become a better practitioner of it. So this last year I spent time training with the founder of the Pain and Peace Cycle, Marriage and Family Therapy pioneer, Terry Hargrave. Through my training with him I officially became a Level II certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

I have used this work with individuals, couples, families, church staffs, corporate managers and directors...and I have seen it transform people in all of these areas.

So when my wife and I had the chance to go train in Marriage Strong which has Restoration Therapy as it's foundational piece, we jumped at the opportunity.

We had a great weekend learning more about each other and talking about how we can intentionally continue to improve our marriage. As we spent time doing this I came to realize that there are a certain number of skills that I think if couples practice, they would benefit greatly from...they would see their marriage shift in some really positive directions.

So in this podcast I took all of my training that I've learned at The Hideaway Experience, Restoration Therapy, Marriage Strong, and other things that I've learned and developed along the way as a clinician...and I boiled it down to 5 skills. Of course there are a lot of varying skills couples can practice, but instead of always looking for that "silver bullet" to fix everything in a marriage, I think more couples need to really focus on a few skills and just practice...practice...practice...practice...practice. You get the point. Marriages grow and become strong through practice, not through some shiny or sexy new skill that will fix everything.

So in this episode I talk about these 5 skills:

• identifying and practicing awareness around your negative pattern of interaction made up of your feelings and coping (Pain Cycle).
• taking responsibility for yourself (your Pain Cycle) and learning to emotionally regulate yourself, rather than expecting your spouse to.
• identifying and developing your positive pattern of interaction made up of your truth and action (Peace Cycle)
• learning how to problem solve out of your Peace Cycle.
• fostering your sense of "usness" in the marriage.

Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode

Marriage Strong The Hideaway Experience 5 Days to a New Marriage Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Sharon Hargrave Todd Sandel LifeGate Group Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Using the Restoration Therapy Model to Transform You, Your Relationships, Churches, Organizations, and Corportations

Imagine you are in a room and two different type of men walk in. One is encouraging, inspiring and vulnerable. He's not just there physically, but he has shown up emotionally as well. He's connected to those around him. And because he shows up this way, others will feed off that and grow. He's what I call a life-giving man. But the other man is there only physically, not emotionally. He's not connected to those around him. He tends to be critical, lives in fear, and is often quick to anger or be impatient. He's someone who sucks the life out of those around him...the total opposite of a life-giving man.

In this episode I share briefly this idea of life-giving man which I have written about extensively, but I also dive into 3 important messages that life-giving men communicate to those around them. In this episode I talk a lot about the father/son relationship, but just because you may not have a son, there are probably other men in your life that need you to be a life-giver. And if you are woman listening to this episode, then I talk about the importance of having this insight into the men in your life.

In my book What it Means to be a Man, I quote a passage from Richard Rohr's book, The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality. In this quote you get an essence of these two very different men.

"When a father tells a child that he can do something, he can do it. I don't know why that is, except to say that there is some mysterious energy that passes from the male to his children. It is some sort of creative energy that can make things be when they are not, and without which things cannot come to be. When male energy is absent, creation does not happen, either in the human soul or in the world. Nurturance happens, support and love perhaps, but not that new 'creation out of nothing' that is the unique prerogative associated with the masculine side of God...Without the father's energy, there is a void, an emptiness in the soul which nothing but that kind of energy can fill. I have seen it in too many people, men especially. It is a hollow yearning that feeds on praise incessantly and is never satisfied. It is a black hole that sucks in reward after reward and is never brightened by it. It becomes a nesting place of demons--of self-doubt, fear, mistrust, cynicism, and rage. And it becomes the place from which those demons fly out to devour others."

In this episode we explore:

• what a life-giving man is and isn't.
• the three questions that a father "needs" to communicate to his son according to Larry Crabb in his book The Silence of Adam.
• how men can use those three questions to be life-givers to those around them.
• how to look for opportunities to be a life-giving man in your relationships whether in marriage, parenting, the work place, etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith

The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World Full of Chaos by Larry Crabb, Don Michael Hudson, Al Andrews

The Wild Man's Journey: Reflections on Male Spirituality by Richard Rohr and Joseph Markos

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

Derek Redmond and his inspiring 1992 Olympic run. (In my podcast episode I mistakenly referred to his Olympic run as being in Seoul in 1988, rather than in Barcelona 1992).