Often when I'm working with someone in session I try to think of visual and tangible ways that they can remember some of the things that we are processing together. And what I have noticed a lot about relational interactions is that there tends to be this movement that I have found to be helpful for people.

This movement goes something like this: a) Ask for what you need/want/desire; b) But then let go of expectations of what you just asked for; c) And then hold on to yourself. Basically the posture is about opening yourself up to be vulnerable in relationships to communicate what you desire, while at the same time not demanding or holding your spouse to that request. And as you do that, learning to emotionally regulate yourself ("hold on").

People who are able to do this in their relationships tend to have very healthy and successful relationships in my opinion.

So in this episode I talk explore what it means to:

• ask for what you want/need/desire
• let go of those expectations
• hold on to yourself

As many of you know, I love to run. And over the last 3-4 years I have been getting more and more into trail running, as well into ultrarunning (which is technically anything over 26.2 miles). And about a month ago I finished my second ever 50K race, and my second race ever at the Palo Duro Trail Run. My first 50K was the Cowtown Ultra, and a year after that I ran my first race in Palo Duro which was a 50 miler. This time I decided to dial back a bit in terms of race mileage for several reasons...but primarily so I would finish earlier in the day and have more time to hang out with my family, since camping is a big part of this trip.

And like any long race I've done, I usually learn some amazing life lessons that help me grow as a person. And often these life lessons I am able to apply into my counseling practice with others, and help them grow as well. In this episode I talk about:

• The importance of preparation and training and practice for any goals we are trying to achieve. And how all of our practice over time helps us gain insights that help us continue to refine the preparation phases.
• The reality of setbacks in our preparation as we try and achieve goals, and what you can do when you come upon a setback, which in my experience, we all inevitably do.
• The importance of having a good "team" around you (i.e. family, friends, colleagues, etc.)
• The importance of "waiting things out" when you hit a setback. We all have to persevere, and sometimes it's just about "waiting things out."
• Why setting your goals in the context of a larger narrative (i.e. bigger picture), as well as the importance of enjoying the pursuit of your goals.

Links Mentioned in the Episode

Palo Duro Trail Run

Over the last several years my wife and I have begun a new journey in our life. That journey has involved a couple of elements: 1) Trying to incorporate more adventure into our marriage (i.e. trips, taking on challenges, etc.); 2) Working on ways to partner together in marriage. And last month we took another step closer in combining these two elements when we went away for a few days to WinShape Marriage to be trained as a leaders to lead their marriage adventures.

What is a marriage adventure? Imagine sailing on a catamaran in the BVI's for 8 days with 3 other couples, why you work on your marriage with daily activities and conversations, all while taking on daily adventures. This was something my wife and I were invited to participate in 3 years ago, and it was an experience that changed our life.

Or imagine leading couples through Machu Picchu in Peru, or leading couples on a contemplative pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago in Spain, or working with other couples in orphanges in Guatemala?

Well today's guest is the one who oversees WinShape Marriage and all their adventures, and I was excited to have him on to talk about why the element of adventure is so important in marriages. Also, Matt has taken quite the trajectory to get to where he is today, working in some of the most paradigm shifting organizations in the field of marriage.

In this episode we discuss:

• his love for combining psychology and theology and its integration into marriage work.
• his work with Gary Smalley and marriage intensives.
• his time at Prepare and Enrich and what he learned about marriages.
• he and his family selling everything and moving to Peru for two years.
• his experience of doing a personal intensives at OnSite and how that changed his life.
• his current work at Winshape Marriage.
• what are the keys to a successful marriage.
• how you and your spouse can get involved with WinShape Marriage.

Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast

Gary Smalley

Prepare and Enrich

Todd Sandel

The Hideaway Experience

OnSite

WinShape Marriage