Sunday was Father's Day. And like Mother's Day...it can bring up all kinds of emotions for people. Positive emotions. Negative Emotions. Feelings of joy and happiness, or anger and fear, as well as loss. And that's just to name a few. I am very thankful that I have a very amazing father. I posted on Instagram just all that he has meant to me, especially when I take into consideration that my mom died from breast cancer when I was 11, and my dad became a single parent to two boys. And the longer I am a parent, the more thankful that I am. This is my experience, but as I wrote at the outset, days like these can bring up all kinds of feelings for people. And so as I mention in this podcast episode, I want to acknowledge that.

In light of Father's Day this last week I want to talk about 3 important life giving messages that I first wrote about in my book, What It Means to Be a Man. In Chapter 3 on Fathering I quote Larry Crabb from his book The Silence of Adam. Crabb writes:

"A godly father speaks three messages to his son: 1. 'It can be done. 2. You're not alone. 3. I believe in you.'"

Those 3 messages have been messages that have changed my life, and were ones that not only my dad instilled in me growing up, but ones that my mother did as well.

And though I initially wrote this for a men's book, and we are coming off Father's Day, I want to say loud and clear, that these messages aren't limited to father's and sons. These are messages that all people can speak to one another. Parent to child. Spouse to Spouse. Colleague to Colleague. We all desire to know these truths, and we should count it a gift if someone in our lives have spoken these things to us.

But here is your opportunity. You have the ability to speak these 3 messages (or your own version of them) to those people in your life who so desperately need to know these things. And even if they don't desperately need to per se, we all desire to hear these things spoken to us.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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So in this episode:

• I talk about these 3 messages and what they mean.
• I encourage you to think about those people around you who need to hear this message.
• I challenge you to go out this week and speak these messages to those people.

Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode

What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith

The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos by Larry Crabb

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).

In my time on staff at the Hideaway Experience doing marriage intensives, my co-therapists and I had a few rules that we would often write out for the 4 couples on the their first day of intensive work. We found that having some guiding principles (rules) made the process more safe for everyone involved. And one of the rules that always stuck out to me was "Be curious vs. being judgemental". Pretty simple. We found that when spouses were curious about their partner, there were less likely to be in a posture of being critical or judgemental.

In fact, when someone is curious about you, it's probably likely you feel loved, valued, known...just to name a few truths. And so that principle has always stuck with me. And the more I started to think about it, it reminded me that I learned that principle about 15 years ago in seminary by one of my favorite professors, Dr. Ray Anderson, who is now deceased. He told my class a beautiful story about he and his wife that I share in this podcast episode...a story which highlights the importance of curiosity in a relationship.

So in episode 66:

• I talk about when I first learned about curiosity and relationships from my professor Dr. Ray Anderson.
• I talk about the rule that we used to share with couples at the beginning of our marriage intensives that helped foster curiosity.
• I share why curiosity is such an important factor in all relationships, whether it be marriage, parent-child, colleague, friends, etc.
• I share some quotes on curiosity.
• I share some ideas how you can begin to practice and experiment with curiosity in your relationships this week.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode

The Hideaway Experience Marriage Intensives

Dr. Ray Anderson

Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Sandel

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke

Rilke's quote on curiosity (i.e. questions)

Albert Einstein's quote on curiosity

Dr. Harville Hendrix's article on curiosity in marriage

In this episode I explore:

• the link between anger and depression.
• the different types of depression.
• different treatments for depression.
• reframing depression.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in the Episode

NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Health

NIMH: National Institute of Mental Health

ADAA: Anxiety and Depression Association of America

MAYO: Mayo Clinic

TWLOHA: To Write Love on Her Arms (self-harm, suicide)

I Just Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terence Real

Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to Many Problems Such as Anger, Resentment, Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness by Archibald Hart

A Women’s Guide to Overcoming Depression by Archibald Hart and Catherine Hart Weber

A Mind of Your Own: The Truth About Depression and How Women Can Heal Their Bodies to Reclaim Their Lives by Kelley Brogan M.D. and Kristin Loberg

Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer

Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers by Rhett Smith

I've noticed over the last few months a growing anger and frustration within me. This has been very disheartening. Because I think if you were to ask my close friends and family, the word anger and frustration wouldn't typically be associated with me. But maybe that's my own lack of insight.

But in this time I've realized several things about what has been going on. One, I have been doing a horrible job of self-care, which leaves me little ability to regulate and manage my emotions in a healthy way. Two, my wife and I are in an incredibly challenging stage of life (like all of you), as we try to adjust to new challenges as our kids get older and work brings about a new level of busyness. Three, the most important lesson I've learned is not what I think of myself or how others may perceive me...but what those closest to me think. Those closest to me have the greatest experience with what my true self is in varying moments...and because of that, they are often on the front lines of helping me better understand myself, and acting as a barometer for my own negative coping behavior.

When I was in graduate school at Fuller Theological Seminary, one of my favorite professors and mentors, Dr. Ray Anderson reminded me that who we are (as a person) around those closest to us tells us a lot about who we are, and is a great indicator of our true selves in moments of struggle. Dr. Anderson reminded our class one day that if we wanted to know whether or not he possessed the fruit of the Spirit that the Apostle Paul writes about in Galatians 5:22-23, then we need to ask his wife and kids. They would be the best equipped at telling the truth on that matter.

So I am working hard on my own anger and frustration so that when people ask my wife and kids what I'm like, they will be able to point to Galatians 5:22-23.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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In this episode I explore:

• my recent struggle with anger and frustration.
• how I identified the feelings and emotions at the root of the anger.
• self-care as a tool to regulate emotions.
• the value of of close family and friends giving the most accurate feedback on our true selves.
• Dr. Ray Anderson's discussion on Galatians 5:22-23

I've been talking about Sabbath in the last couple of podcast episodes (Episode 61: Sabbath Rest and Your Identity, Episode 62: Sabbath Rest and Anxiety), and so I close the series in this episode talking about various practices. As I've come to learn more about Sabbath and practice various ways of being on that day, I realize that everyone's Sabbath may look differently. Ultimately, I believe the key is that Sabbath is a way of being, rather than doing, and so it's a day where we set aside our compulsion to have to do things, perform, be productive, etc, and we enjoy our relationship with God, others, and ourselves. In this episode I discuss:

• How to assess your busyness (i.e. "white space on the calendar").
• Setting a day to practice Sabbath.
• Setting a time for your Sabbath practice.
• Asking yourself questions about what a practice of being vs. doing would look like.
• Allowing for the fact that your Sabbath will look different than other peoples.
• Expecting resistance as you fight the culture of consumption and busyness.
• Etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast

Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann

Keeping the Sabbath Wholly: Ceasing, Resting, Embracing, Feasting by Marva J. Dawn

Living the Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight by Norman Wirzba

Sabbath: The Ancient Practices by Dan Allender

Sabbath Keeping Versus Margin Keeping Practices We Must Foster

Diagnosing Our Online Busyness So That We Can Live More Holistically

As I mentioned in my podcast last week (Sabbath Rest and Identity), I have been thinking a lot about the topic of Sabbath over the course of the last year. It seems that it comes up in more and more of my conversations, and it's absence in the lives of many people (especially evident in many of the clients I work with), lead to a lot struggles, conflict, and issues with anxiety and depression. And it's absence in my own life is the source (I believe) for much of the anxiety that I have struggled with.

For a period of time (I actually blogged about Sabbath about 5 and half years ago, and here almost 6 years ago). So in reality, I guess I have been thinking about this topic for a long time...but maybe I'm just now starting to take it seriously.

This seriousness began last year when I read Walter Brueggemann's powerful book, Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now.

Last week I focused more on how identity relates to Sabbath rest, and though I will talk about that again in this podcast, I focus more on the anxiety that happens when we are caught up in a culture of productivity. In Sabbath as Resistance, Brueggemann writes:

"There had been no work stoppage for the slaves, because they had to gather straw during their time off; no work stoppage of anybody in the Egyptian system, because frantic productivity drove the entire system. And now YHWH nullifies that entire system of anxious production. There are limits to how much and how long slaves must produce bricks! There are limits to how much food Pharaoh can store and consume and administer. The limit is set by the weekly work pause that breaks the production cycle. And those who participate in it break the anxiety cycle. They are invited to awareness that life does not consist in frantic production and consumption that reduces everyone else to threat and competitor. And as the work stoppage permits a waning of anxiety, so energy is redeployed to the neighborhood. The odd insistence of the God of Sinai is to counter anxious productivity with committed neighborliness. The latter practice does not produce so much; but it creates an environment of security and respect and dignity that redefines the human project." (Kindle Loc. 476, pp. 27)

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast

Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann

Living the Sabbath: Discovering the Rhythms of Rest and Delight by Norman Wirzba

Sabbath: The Ancient Practices by Dan Allender

I have been thinking a lot about the topic of Sabbath over the course of the last year. It seems that it comes up in more and more of my conversations, and it's absence in the lives of many people (especially evident in many of the clients I work with), lead to a lot struggles, conflict, and issues with anxiety and depression. And it's absence in my own life is the source (I believe) for much of the anxiety that I have struggled with.

For a period of time (I actually blogged about Sabbath about 5 and half years ago, and here almost 6 years ago). So in reality, I guess I have been thinking about this topic for a long time...but maybe I'm just now starting to take it seriously.

This seriousness began last year when I read Walter Brueggemann's powerful book, Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now. In the book, Brueggemann writes:

"In our own contemporary context of the rat race of anxiety, the celebration of Sabbath is an act of both resistance and alternative. It is resistance because it is a visible insistence that our lives are not defined by the production and consumption of commodity good. Such an act of resistance requires enormous intentionality and communal reinforcement amid the barrage of seductive pressures from the insatiable insistences of the market, with its intrusion into every part of our life from the family to the national budget." Loc. 196 of 1231 (Kindle)

This is the first of approximately 3-4 podcasts I am going to do on the topic of Sabbath. And in this episode I explore:

• the context of Sabbath in the Exodus story
• God's freeing of Israel's identity from being one of production and performance, to one of rest and dependence in him.
• the ways in which we build our sense of identity around our busyness, production, performance, accomplishments, etc.
• Sabbath is a call to place our identity and sense of self in relationship to God who sustains and cares for us in our being, rather than in one that is dependent upon our control and doing.
• the lack of Sabbath as a producer of anxiety.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources and People Mentioned in the Podcast

Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to a Culture of Now by Walter Brueggemann

How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living by Rob Bell

Henri Nouwen

Over the course of the last 3 years I have really been experimenting with my diet. That is to day, I have been adding and subtracting certain foods that I consume, and then I pay attention to see what the results yield. And it's because of this experimentation that I have really been arriving at a place where I have noticed just how drastically the right food can improve my overall healthy, fitness and relationships.

I once heard someone say that change begins with what's on your plate. And without going into other ideas I have about that (especially theologically), I agree that as humans, what we put into our body affects so much of who we are and the experiences we have.

This started several years ago when I decided to just give skim milk up on a whim and switch over to almond milk. I haven't looked back as I noticed immediate changes in how I felt. It soon followed with giving up cheese, and then dairy. And then I started giving up more and more meat, and adding more and more vegetables. Somewhere along the way I introduced a daily green smoothie into the mix, and this last Lent I gave up meat for 55 days. All these experiments have impacted me in some very positive ways, and I have seen the ramifications in how my diet has affected my fitness (especially my running), my relationships (especially with my wife and kids), and just my overall health (I haven't been sick or had a cold in probably over 3 years).

So I'm interested to see what happens to your life when you begin to experiment with your diet. I'm not a licensed dietitian or medical doctor, so make sure you consult them first when making any changes that might negatively impact your health. But also realize that we are responsible to be good stewards of our lives, and that includes our physical bodies...so do the research because the information is everywhere. And then try eliminating and adding various things from your diet and see what happens.

In this episode:

• I explore the importance of being responsible for your food choices and health.
• I talk about my experience with giving up milk, cheese and then dairy.
• I talk about giving up meat for 55 days and what that experience was like.
• I talk about the importance of not getting bogged down and shaming yourself when you make bad food choices..but start again fresh the next day.
• I talk about how you can begin to experiment with your diet.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in the Episode Rich Roll

Running is not new to this blog or podcast. In fact, I've done episodes on various aspects of running before (listen to Episode 20, Episode 25, and Episode 32.)

But a couple of things have changed since I last talked about running on the podcast. First, I am just about to complete my certification as a Level I Running Coach through the RRCA. I've been wanting to do this for a while and was so excited to take the course. I had a great time with the cohort. Second, one of the main reasons I wanted to get certified was so that I could bring that knowledge to some therapy running groups I am working on starting. Even though I have been running through years and feel that I can be helpful to runners when building a program...I really wanted the information and knowledge to do it in a way that just wasn't relying on my experience since every runner is different.

So, in this episode:

• I talk briefly about my coaching certification process.
• I share my desire to start therapy running groups in my practice.
• And I review the 4 key components of self-care that running engages.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

RRCA Coaching Certification

Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll

Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Ever Seen by Chistopher McDougall

Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek

Why We Run: A Natural History by Bernd Heinrich

Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner by Dean Karnazes

I've been thinking a lot recently about the struggle we have of living in the tension of things not coming to fruition as quickly as we would like. We live in a fast-paced culture that expects everything on demand...and quickly. But where the tension comes in is that the life of faith is not a life that can be obtained on demand, or often very quickly. God doesn't seem to concerned about doing things quickly, or on my time frame. God seems to work at a different pace than me...and that can create a lot of anxiety and impatience.

We may want things done in a day, but God has shown that sometimes the journey make take 40 years. Time and time again I'm struck by the fact that the journey for the Israelites from captivity in Egypt into the Promised Land was a essentially a 13 day journey...but it took 40 years. Often people will quote Jeremiah 29:11-12 to me (which is a wonderful passage), but I have to bring to attention that verse 10 reminds them they will spend 70 years in captivity first.

So God isn't in a hurry to accomplish things, and we have to begin to learn to live in the tension of our anxious impatience for things to be done quickly and in the way we want it to be done. In this episode I reflect on the varied journeys that God takes us on in our life, and as I do this I share some passages from my book The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in this Episode

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good?

One of the more tricky aspects of working with adolescents is trying to discern at times what is "typical" teenage behavior, and what is depression. I mean most of us can remember back to our own teenage days where we experienced bouts of moodiness, irritability, and wanted to isolate ourselves from others, or at least our parents. And just because we experienced those things that didn't necessarily make us a candidate for a diagnosis of depression.

I wrote about this issue last year for the Fuller Youth Institute in an article called Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers. That article got a lot of attention, and it's such a big topic, that I'm currently working on another article for the Fuller Youth Institute on depression and adolescents...hence why I decided to do a podcast episode on this topic.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in the Article

Fuller Youth Institute

Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers

National Institute of Mental Health -- Depression

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

DSM 5

Over the course of the last 3 months I have really been wrestling with the question of "how good of a listener am I?" I've always thought I was a good listener...I mean, my vocation is essentially to listen to people all day. But I'm sure my clients....and my wife, would tell you that I'm also a pretty active talker. I am pretty open and share a lot with people. But honestly, how well do I listen?

This question all came about when I started reading Adam McHugh's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's book really challenged me on this question of my listening ability. Because what I realized after reading his book, is that most of us are not that great of listeners. We may think we are, but at the end of the day there are so many ways we can grow in this area. I interviewed Adam on this topic in Episode 51 of this podcast. And after reading the book and talking with him, I really set out to become a better listener...and to continue to really grow in this area of my life.

One of the benefits of becoming aware of this issue, is that I started to think of creative way that I could help my clients become better listeners in their own lives. And so over the course of the last few months I have been encouraging people in relationships...specifically couples that I see, and parent child relationships that I work with...to try out what I call the 3 Day Listening Exercise. It's actually fairly simple in its mechanics, but difficult for many in practice.

Here's what it looks like in a simple breakdown:

• When I notice relationships having a hard time listening to each other, and even greater difficulty in validating one another so that they feel heard, I have been recommending this exercise.
• I ask couples to schedule 3 days of listening: That involves picking a 10 minute time each day, for 3 consecutive days...to work on this exercise. For example: "Let's schedule 8:30pm on Tuesday night; 8:30 on Wednesday night; 9:00pm on Thursday night." Something like this. And I urge couples to make it a priority by putting it on the calendar. Scheduling it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously pursues engagement, and it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously avoids engagement.
• Day 1: Designate one person the listener, and the other the speaker. The listener's job is only to do that...LISTEN. Don't think of a rebuttal; or a defense; or a question to ask; don't finish the speaker's sentences. Do everything you can to just listen and really hear what is being said. This also involves watching how you posture yourself, your facial gestures, etc...as those can communicate as much about whether or not you are listening. And avoid any of what John Gottman describes as the 4 Horsemen which are conversation killer...really they are relationship killers. The speaker's job is to talk to the listener about something they want the listener to really get about them; to understand about them. Often I ask the speaker to just "share their heart" with the listener. I ask, "What do you want your spouse/child/parent/friend to really know about you?" Sometimes the exercise is used to talk about one topic (i.e. money, sex, work, parenting, etc.), but often I just use it get couples to begin to really practice listening to each other. Don't get too caught up on what to talk about...it's really about figuring out what you want that person to understand about you. And as the speaker, your job is to communicate in as effective a way to get the listener to really get you. So it's not a time for the speaker to blame, or to criticize, or abuse the space the listener is giving them.
• Once you have done this, then set a timer for 10 minutes. Yes, don't skip this step. Structure is important, especially for relationships that have a hard time emotionally regulating. And the more structure you practice, the more capable you will be in using more freedom later in conversations.
• Then start the timer and go. Once the timer goes off...that's it! No extra conversation. No questions. Nothing. It's important to learn to sit in that anxiety of not being able to respond, and to work on regulating your emotion. So when it's over, go back to what you were doing.
• Day 2: This is a repeat of Day 1, but you switch roles. Do the same thing as Day 1.
• Again..it's important to remember that this exercise is effective in that it stretches out conversation, helping people in relationships better understand each other; helps regulate emotion; helps people learn to sit in the anxiety of the unfinished conversation for now.
• Day 3: On day 3 you are going to do something different. You are going to set the timer for 15 minutes and now enter into a dialogue about what you heard each other say the last two days. This is really an opportunity to validate and affirm the other person, rather than an opportunity to talk more about yourself and what you want to share. One can really tell after watching couples do this, who is really interested in listening to each other...and who is really more concerned about just defending their positions, etc.
• The beauty in the 3 days is that it teaches patience in the listening process, and it creates a beautiful space in the relationship that tells the speaker, I want you to be heard and known. And the listener demonstrates the love and care they have for the speaker by creating a silent space to take in everything that speaker is saying.

  That's the exercise in a few simple steps. I recommend that couples, friends, parent/child, co-workers, not only do this one time, but that they repeat this exercise weekly, time and time again. Enough times that they eventually create a great habit that turns into a real natural way of communicating with one another. And I believe that if relationships practice this enough, they will see an increase in their emotional regulation and the feeling of being heard and understood. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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People and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction

This last weekend I had one of the greatest experiences I have ever had...and that was being able to co-lead a marriage workshop with my wife Heather. Over the last 10 years I have had the opportunity to lead a lot of marriage retreats, conferences, workshops, give talks, etc...but this was the first time I have teamed up with my wife. And I absolutely loved co-leading with her and am looking forward to other opportunities we will have in the future to do this.

It was out of this context though that I gained some more insight into something that I have been thinking about for a few months. And it was only reaffirmed through the many questions that couples had this weekend.

And it is this. I think that for many of us, especially in relationships...when something doesn't work we scramble to find the next thing that will fix our problem. We look for another counselor that is practicing from a different model. We try a new listening technique. We go on vacation to a new place. But all of these things are really distractions from the most essential thing.

And what is the most essential thing?

The most essential thing I have come to learn is practice. We can have all the insight in the world, but unless we actually put it into continuous practice...it never takes root, and we continue to repeat the behavior we have been wanting to change. All of us are looking for the shiny silver bullet that is going to fix things. But in reality, if often comes down to the fact that we have the exact tool we need in front of us...but we just have to use it. And use it over and over and over again.

One of my favorite tools which I have talked about a lot on earlier podcasts is the Pain and Peace Cycle...but it's a tool that has to be practiced over and over again. It's through the practice of this too that safe connection is created in a relationship. And that leads to change. Here are some podcasts where I have talked about this model and the practice of it:

• Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle
• 4 steps to Practice
• Fostering "usness" in Relationships
• Using the Pain and Peace Cycle to Create Differentiation

And as my wife and co-led the retreat this weekend and shared our story, I realized just how much work we had put into practicing this tool over the last 5 years. What would have happened if we didn't practice it and looked for something else to fix things? Well, we wouldn't be where we are today. I'm thankful for the hard work and practice we put into this model, and I encourage you to put in the hard work and practice on whatever you are working on in your relationships. When you hit conflict or resistance....keep practicing. And it will be through your practice in the conflict and resistant that will lead to change.

In this episode:

• I talk about the opportunity I had to co-lead a marriage retreat with my wife.
• I discus our tendency as people in relationships to always be looking for the next tool to fix things.
• I discuss the importance of practice and how practice leads to proficiency.
• I encourage you to think about the one thing you can practice over and over again to create change in your life, relationships, work, etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

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Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Sharon Hargrave

Restoration Therapy

Marriage Strong

The Hideaway Experience

I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog...so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.

I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano...as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one's self, relationships and organizations.

This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.

So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.

At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.

So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.

In this episode we explore:

• Terry's journey into the field of marriage and family therapy.
• Terry's interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker.
• Terry's early training and work in the contextual family therapy model.
• what the Restoration Therapy model is.
• Terry's development of the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships.
• 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness.
• the Pain Cycle.
• the Peace Cycle.
• the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model.
• mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of practice in creating change.
• and more.....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Contextual Family Therapy

Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi

Jay Haley

Carl Whitaker

Restoration Therapy Training

Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave

5 Days to a New Marriage

The Hideaway Experience

Dan Siegel

John Gottman,couples, and emotional regulation

Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.

Fuller Theological Seminary changed my life, so it's probably not a surprise that you see me talking about the seminary so much. Fuller was and is an amazing community of people who provide a safe place for someone to wrestle with the big questions of faith. Fuller challenged me to think about my faith, rather than just tell me how to think. But they also provided the boundaries to work that out in a loving community who loves Jesus Christ. I tell you all of this because I'm continually astounded by the work that they continue to do, the graduates that come out of there, and the professors and administration that guide them. And Fuller Youth Institute is no exception.

Under the direction of Kara Powell, Brad Griffin, and many others, FYI is the premier place that continues to research and provide resources to families on a large number of topics. I am constantly referring clients and colleagues to their website as it's one of the best places at the intersection of youth, families, faith, justice and technology.

In this episode I had the opportunity to sit down with Brad Griffin who is the Associate Director of FYI, and who over the years I have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with. Ironically enough, Brad and I have only met one time in person several years ago. But over the years he has been my main encouragement and editor on the many articles that I have written for FYI. Brad, you made my articles sound great...thank you. In this episode we cover a lot of ground. There were so many more things I wanted to be able to discuss with Brad, so I will definitely have him back on the podcast. But we covered a lot around the intersection of faith, families and technology, while focusing a lot on the pressure kids experience in our culture with the overscheduling of their lives.

But in this episode we explore:

• the work of Fuller Youth Institute
• the Sticky Faith research and curriculum
• the epidemic of overscheduling kid's lives.
• youth and sports.
• NCAA latest report on youth and the specialization of kids in one sport.
• the transmission of faith in families.
• how we can successfully navigate the use of technology in families.
• and so much more....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Fuller Youth Institute

Sticky Faith

Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World

Denise Pope's Research at Stanford

Race to Nowhere

Beyond Measure

Wendy Mogel

Madeline Levine

Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down across Generations by Vern Bengston

NCAA Survey Sheds Light on Athletes' Youth Sports Experience

"How do you get so much stuff done?"

That's one of the questions that I get quite a bit. Sometimes the comment comes from colleagues who wonder how I have a busy practice and still find time to write, blog, podcast, speak, teach, train for a 50 mile run, etc. And sometimes it comes from family members who wonder how I balance out all the things I do in my work, personal and family life. Though it's encouraging to hear those comments and think that I accomplish a lot, the truth is...I always feel like I'm behind. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. And I always feel like I could be less distracted, more disciplined, and productive.

But maybe that's more of my own issues coming up that I will have to work through with my therapist anyways. But the question is posed to me enough times that I have recently begun to reflect more on it. And I started wondering, "How do I get all the things done that others are seeing." And so for the last couple of weeks I have been reflecting on that question and wanted to share with you some of my insights. A lot of what I share in the podcast is probably not totally new to you. It's not earth shattering insight. Rather, it's what has helped me on this journey to clear distractions and focus on what is really important to me. And at the end of the day, productivity is not just about doing more, it's about creating the things I want to do...and if I'm constantly distracted and unfocused, I just won't be able to do those things.

In this episode I explore:

• the cost of distractions in our lives and how long it takes to regain focus.
• getting rid of cable TV and how that changed everything.
• eliminating news, sports and social media apps from my phone.
• some key ways to rearrange apps on your phone to maximize focus and cut down on mindless distractions.
• eliminating notifications on your computer and phone.
• how I am using the reading of longer and deeper works of writing to help me rewire my brain to achieve more focus.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

How Long It Takes to Get Back on Track After a Distraction

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I have been looking forward to having this conversation for a long time with my good friend Adam McHugh. Interestingly enough, Adam and I have known each other online for approximately 10 years, but have only met each other one time in person. But talking with Adam is pretty easy (not only because he's a good listener, he is super thoughtful and reflective in his responses), so I enjoyed this sprawling conversation on the topic of Adam's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's first book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, was a game changer for me, especially in not only helping me better understand myself (I am a borderline E/I in the Myers Briggs), but how important the role of introversion is in our faith communities.

Adam's new book has also been a game changer for me as well. So much so, that I have been referring it relentlessly to clients in my therapy practice, and quoting passages of it as well in session. It's definitely one of the best books I have read in a long time, and it has really shifted my perspective on listening. Not only did I realize that I am not as good of a listener as I thought I was, but it really showed me all the potential growth that lays ahead of me in this area. And honestly, I found that super exciting. To know that I can grow in this area and continue to transform the relationships that I am in is compelling. I cruised through the book in a couple of weeks and already started implementing new listening practices in my own life, as well as helping my clients work towards becoming better listeners in their relationships.

In this episode we explore:

• why Adam decided to write a book on listening.
• the role that Adam's work as a chaplain and pastor had in shaping him into a better listener.
• how we aren't as good of listeners as we think we are.
• the translation of a "listening heart" in 1 Kings 3:9.
• some suggestions for better listening.
• obstacles to good listening such as technology.
• the overwhelming amount of times that listening is mentioned in the Old and New Testaments.
• the awareness that is created when we listen to people's pain and track our own feelings/emotions and coping behavior.
• a new listening exercise that I have been using with couples.
• and much, much more.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction by Adam McHugh

Listening to People in Pain by Adam McHugh (at Conversations Journal)

Quiet Revolution

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading by Eugene Peterson

Every year as we turn the calendar from one year to the next, people are strategizing what goals they want to achieve for the year ahead. For years I used to make a list of "New Year's Resolutions" for myself, sometimes 30-60 items deep. But what would inevitably happen is that the moment I started falling behind on one of the resolutions, or I missed a day or two of working on them...I would feel down, like a failure, and I would just stop working on them. Some I would still stick with, but since I felt like a failure I would just wait and push those other resolutions off another year. You may even do this yourself.

So in the last couple of years I have been just focusing on one to two goals for the entire year, rather than this long list of resolutions, and that seems to have shifted things for me. Last year I focused on one main goal which was training for and running my first every 50 mile trail run...which I did accomplish with the support of my family and friends.

And what ultimately shifted things for me in this area of life was something I read in the book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg. If you haven't read it, check it out as it's a great book. But more than anything, one particular area of his work stood out to me. In the book he talks about the power of "keystone habits." These habits are the habits that if you do them they tend to set off a chain reaction of habits or movements in other areas of your life. In some ways, achieving a "keystone habit" will catalyze habits in other areas. In the podcast I describe it this way. A "keystone habit" for me is getting up early to work out. When I get up early to work out I have more energy for the day, my body feels better, I feel more alert, I tend to eat better throughout the day, drink more water, am more engaged with people, etc. So that one habit triggers other healthy habits for me. With this in mind I realized that all my training last year for the Palo Duro 50 Miler spawned a lot of other awesome habits for me. And then when I achieved the goal I had been working for, that shifted a lot of other things in my life helping me achieve other goals that I wasn't necessarily focusing all my energy on.

My "keystone habit" last year was running. That changed so many other things for me. But I also realize that my keystone goal (the 50 mile race) also changed so many things for me. So in this podcast I explore "keystone habits" which Duhigg writes so eloquently on, but I also talk about keystone goals, which I haven't really heard anyone else talk about before (but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist).

In this Episode I explore:

• the topic of self-care and it's 4 core areas; I discussed this in Episode 1 of this podcast.
• the concept of "keystone habits" by Charles Duhigg.
• the idea of creating keystone goals.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my physical life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my emotional/relational life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my mental life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my spiritual life.
• what it would look like for you to use "keystone habits" and keystone goals to achieve success in your personal self-care this year.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

Palo Duro Trail Run

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I talk about when to see a therapist and what to expect:

• The importance of having a safe and non-judgmental place/person to discuss your anxiety with.
• The importance of seeing an opportunity for growth in your anxiety.
• The importance of a plan to help with your anxiety.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I discuss a variety of tools and exercises to help with your anxiety:

• The importance of proper breathing to help regulate anxiety.
• How journaling can help you externalize your anxiety.
• Why self-care is so important in the regulating of anxiety.
• Etc. (see the above podcast where I talk about these tools at length (Episode 16).

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to help you grow from your anxiety:

• I explore how anxiety gives us an opportunity to grow in our lives.
• I talk about how the Bible stories are implicit with anxiety in the journey to follow after God, and how anxiety keeps us in pursuit.
• I want to encourage you to see your anxiety differently.

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to explore two things:

• What are the roots of your anxiety?
• What would it look like for you to take an honest look at your anxiety to better understand it?

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it.Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to impart to you two things:

• It's okay to be anxious. You are not alone.
• What anxiety looks and feels like, and what the numbers are in terms of anxiety and the population.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, Texas, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of families. And in working with a lot of families I get the chance to see the varying parenting styles that different parents use. So in this episode I want to focus on four different parenting styles that I think are the most common (at least in my experience), and to encourage you to think about whether or not you struggle with any of them. The truth is, none of us are perfect parents...it just doesn't exist. But at least we can become more aware of what styles we use that might be destructive, therefore, helping us make efforts to change some of them.

As I mention in the podcast, none of us are perfect parents, and we all struggle with different styles of destructive parenting (whether or not it's listed below). Sometimes we struggle with all of them. The one I struggle with the most is the "helicopter" parenting style -- which almost seems ludicrous when I think about it. How did I, who was raised with lots of freedom by Baby Boomer parents, become so overprotective. Some of it has to do with my pain cycle that I talked about in episodes last week. For example, because of the death of my mom at age 11, I tend to feel secure by taking control of certain things...myself...situations...and sigh....my kids. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but I think understanding our pain cycle is helpful in understanding how that may influence our parenting.

So as you listen to my struggle in the podcast, hopefully you will realize that you aren't alone in your destructive parenting styles. But hopefully the realization can lead to positive change.

In this episode I explore:

• four different, destructive parenting styles that I come into contact a lot in my counseling office.
• 1) passive or disengaged, parenting style
• 2) "helicopter" parent, parenting style
• 3) vicarious living, parenting style
• 4) busyness or activity driven, parenting style
• these four different, destructive parenting styles, and some ways to combat them

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.

#marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093

This last week I have spent some time talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship.

In today's episode I want to tie all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like. In this episode I share the concept of differentiation from some literary writings of Rainer Maria Rilke and Kahlil Gibran. I also look at how renowned sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch defines it. As well as looking at the concept from well known therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman.

In this episode I explore:

• the concept of differentiation
• Bohemian-Austrian Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughts on differentiation in relationships/marriage
• Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran's thoughts on differentiation in marriage
• Sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch's thoughts on differentiation in committed relationships
• boundaries and differentiation in the work of Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book Boundaries
• Paul's words in Galatians 6:2-5
• Therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman's thoughts on differentiation and leadership.