One of the more tricky aspects of working with adolescents is trying to discern at times what is "typical" teenage behavior, and what is depression. I mean most of us can remember back to our own teenage days where we experienced bouts of moodiness, irritability, and wanted to isolate ourselves from others, or at least our parents. And just because we experienced those things that didn't necessarily make us a candidate for a diagnosis of depression.

I wrote about this issue last year for the Fuller Youth Institute in an article called Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers. That article got a lot of attention, and it's such a big topic, that I'm currently working on another article for the Fuller Youth Institute on depression and adolescents...hence why I decided to do a podcast episode on this topic.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Article

Fuller Youth Institute

Naming and Navigating Depression in the Lives of Teenagers

National Institute of Mental Health -- Depression

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

DSM 5

Over the course of the last 3 months I have really been wrestling with the question of "how good of a listener am I?" I've always thought I was a good listener...I mean, my vocation is essentially to listen to people all day. But I'm sure my clients....and my wife, would tell you that I'm also a pretty active talker. I am pretty open and share a lot with people. But honestly, how well do I listen?

This question all came about when I started reading Adam McHugh's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's book really challenged me on this question of my listening ability. Because what I realized after reading his book, is that most of us are not that great of listeners. We may think we are, but at the end of the day there are so many ways we can grow in this area. I interviewed Adam on this topic in Episode 51 of this podcast. And after reading the book and talking with him, I really set out to become a better listener...and to continue to really grow in this area of my life.

One of the benefits of becoming aware of this issue, is that I started to think of creative way that I could help my clients become better listeners in their own lives. And so over the course of the last few months I have been encouraging people in relationships...specifically couples that I see, and parent child relationships that I work with...to try out what I call the 3 Day Listening Exercise. It's actually fairly simple in its mechanics, but difficult for many in practice.

Here's what it looks like in a simple breakdown:

• When I notice relationships having a hard time listening to each other, and even greater difficulty in validating one another so that they feel heard, I have been recommending this exercise.
• I ask couples to schedule 3 days of listening: That involves picking a 10 minute time each day, for 3 consecutive days...to work on this exercise. For example: "Let's schedule 8:30pm on Tuesday night; 8:30 on Wednesday night; 9:00pm on Thursday night." Something like this. And I urge couples to make it a priority by putting it on the calendar. Scheduling it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously pursues engagement, and it reduces the anxiety of the partner who anxiously avoids engagement.
• Day 1: Designate one person the listener, and the other the speaker. The listener's job is only to do that...LISTEN. Don't think of a rebuttal; or a defense; or a question to ask; don't finish the speaker's sentences. Do everything you can to just listen and really hear what is being said. This also involves watching how you posture yourself, your facial gestures, etc...as those can communicate as much about whether or not you are listening. And avoid any of what John Gottman describes as the 4 Horsemen which are conversation killer...really they are relationship killers. The speaker's job is to talk to the listener about something they want the listener to really get about them; to understand about them. Often I ask the speaker to just "share their heart" with the listener. I ask, "What do you want your spouse/child/parent/friend to really know about you?" Sometimes the exercise is used to talk about one topic (i.e. money, sex, work, parenting, etc.), but often I just use it get couples to begin to really practice listening to each other. Don't get too caught up on what to talk about...it's really about figuring out what you want that person to understand about you. And as the speaker, your job is to communicate in as effective a way to get the listener to really get you. So it's not a time for the speaker to blame, or to criticize, or abuse the space the listener is giving them.
• Once you have done this, then set a timer for 10 minutes. Yes, don't skip this step. Structure is important, especially for relationships that have a hard time emotionally regulating. And the more structure you practice, the more capable you will be in using more freedom later in conversations.
• Then start the timer and go. Once the timer goes off...that's it! No extra conversation. No questions. Nothing. It's important to learn to sit in that anxiety of not being able to respond, and to work on regulating your emotion. So when it's over, go back to what you were doing.
• Day 2: This is a repeat of Day 1, but you switch roles. Do the same thing as Day 1.
• Again..it's important to remember that this exercise is effective in that it stretches out conversation, helping people in relationships better understand each other; helps regulate emotion; helps people learn to sit in the anxiety of the unfinished conversation for now.
• Day 3: On day 3 you are going to do something different. You are going to set the timer for 15 minutes and now enter into a dialogue about what you heard each other say the last two days. This is really an opportunity to validate and affirm the other person, rather than an opportunity to talk more about yourself and what you want to share. One can really tell after watching couples do this, who is really interested in listening to each other...and who is really more concerned about just defending their positions, etc.
• The beauty in the 3 days is that it teaches patience in the listening process, and it creates a beautiful space in the relationship that tells the speaker, I want you to be heard and known. And the listener demonstrates the love and care they have for the speaker by creating a silent space to take in everything that speaker is saying.

  That's the exercise in a few simple steps. I recommend that couples, friends, parent/child, co-workers, not only do this one time, but that they repeat this exercise weekly, time and time again. Enough times that they eventually create a great habit that turns into a real natural way of communicating with one another. And I believe that if relationships practice this enough, they will see an increase in their emotional regulation and the feeling of being heard and understood. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

People and Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction

This last weekend I had one of the greatest experiences I have ever had...and that was being able to co-lead a marriage workshop with my wife Heather. Over the last 10 years I have had the opportunity to lead a lot of marriage retreats, conferences, workshops, give talks, etc...but this was the first time I have teamed up with my wife. And I absolutely loved co-leading with her and am looking forward to other opportunities we will have in the future to do this.

It was out of this context though that I gained some more insight into something that I have been thinking about for a few months. And it was only reaffirmed through the many questions that couples had this weekend.

And it is this. I think that for many of us, especially in relationships...when something doesn't work we scramble to find the next thing that will fix our problem. We look for another counselor that is practicing from a different model. We try a new listening technique. We go on vacation to a new place. But all of these things are really distractions from the most essential thing.

And what is the most essential thing?

The most essential thing I have come to learn is practice. We can have all the insight in the world, but unless we actually put it into continuous practice...it never takes root, and we continue to repeat the behavior we have been wanting to change. All of us are looking for the shiny silver bullet that is going to fix things. But in reality, if often comes down to the fact that we have the exact tool we need in front of us...but we just have to use it. And use it over and over and over again.

One of my favorite tools which I have talked about a lot on earlier podcasts is the Pain and Peace Cycle...but it's a tool that has to be practiced over and over again. It's through the practice of this too that safe connection is created in a relationship. And that leads to change. Here are some podcasts where I have talked about this model and the practice of it:

• Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle
• 4 steps to Practice
• Fostering "usness" in Relationships
• Using the Pain and Peace Cycle to Create Differentiation

And as my wife and co-led the retreat this weekend and shared our story, I realized just how much work we had put into practicing this tool over the last 5 years. What would have happened if we didn't practice it and looked for something else to fix things? Well, we wouldn't be where we are today. I'm thankful for the hard work and practice we put into this model, and I encourage you to put in the hard work and practice on whatever you are working on in your relationships. When you hit conflict or resistance....keep practicing. And it will be through your practice in the conflict and resistant that will lead to change.

In this episode:

• I talk about the opportunity I had to co-lead a marriage retreat with my wife.
• I discus our tendency as people in relationships to always be looking for the next tool to fix things.
• I discuss the importance of practice and how practice leads to proficiency.
• I encourage you to think about the one thing you can practice over and over again to create change in your life, relationships, work, etc.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Sharon Hargrave

Restoration Therapy

Marriage Strong

The Hideaway Experience

I have told this story countless times in person, on the podcast, and in my blog...so I will try and keep it brief. But about 6 years ago I had an experience that forever changed my life. I had just returned from sitting in on and observing a marriage intensive at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, TX (I write about that 4 day intensive here). And what I learned at that intensive changed the way I thought about myself and relationships.

I went home that weekend and tried using the Pain and Peace Cycle that I learned. And when I did, my wife Heather and I had a new experience in navigating conflict successfully, that I knew I had to learn more. I went on staff as a therapist later that fall and spent the next 4 years flying up to Amarillo to co-lead 4 day marriage intensives while all the while using the model in my therapy practice back in Plano...as well as using it in my marriage and any other relational setting I was in. And the more I practiced it, and the more I learned, I knew that this model was the one that I believed was the most effective in creating change in one's self, relationships and organizations.

This model that I had been taught at The Hideaway Experience was essentially the Restoration Therapy model that Terry had been developing, and in which he had help implement for the intensives. Over the course of those years I got to know Terry better, even bringing him out to present the Restoration Therapy model and Forgiveness to our Dallas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists a few years ago.

So this last year I spent time training with Terry Hargrave in the Restoration Therapy model and eventually became certified as a Level II Restoration Therapy therapist.

At the end of last year I recorded 5 podcast episodes talking about Restoration Therapy. I began by talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship. And finally I tied all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like.

So after all my own talking and insight on this topic I am super excited to welcome my friend and mentor Dr. Terry Hargrave to Episode 55. Terry is an amazing man and I know you will love listening to his journey into developing the Restoration Therapy model.

In this episode we explore:

• Terry's journey into the field of marriage and family therapy.
• Terry's interaction with and training under some of the pioneers in this field such as Jay Haley, Carl Whitaker and Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi. He has a great story about what he learned from Whitaker.
• Terry's early training and work in the contextual family therapy model.
• what the Restoration Therapy model is.
• Terry's development of the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of love and trustworthiness in relationships.
• 4 responses to violations of love and trustworthiness.
• the Pain Cycle.
• the Peace Cycle.
• the 4 Steps in the Restoration Therapy model.
• mindfulness, emotional regulation and attachment in the Restoration Therapy model.
• the importance of practice in creating change.
• and more.....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Terry Hargrave

Contextual Family Therapy

Ivan Nagy-Boszormenyi

Jay Haley

Carl Whitaker

Restoration Therapy Training

Marriage Strong with Sharon Hargrave

5 Days to a New Marriage

The Hideaway Experience

Dan Siegel

John Gottman,couples, and emotional regulation

Brent Atkinson on the importance of repetitive practice rather than relying simply on insight and understanding in therapy.

Fuller Theological Seminary changed my life, so it's probably not a surprise that you see me talking about the seminary so much. Fuller was and is an amazing community of people who provide a safe place for someone to wrestle with the big questions of faith. Fuller challenged me to think about my faith, rather than just tell me how to think. But they also provided the boundaries to work that out in a loving community who loves Jesus Christ. I tell you all of this because I'm continually astounded by the work that they continue to do, the graduates that come out of there, and the professors and administration that guide them. And Fuller Youth Institute is no exception.

Under the direction of Kara Powell, Brad Griffin, and many others, FYI is the premier place that continues to research and provide resources to families on a large number of topics. I am constantly referring clients and colleagues to their website as it's one of the best places at the intersection of youth, families, faith, justice and technology.

In this episode I had the opportunity to sit down with Brad Griffin who is the Associate Director of FYI, and who over the years I have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with. Ironically enough, Brad and I have only met one time in person several years ago. But over the years he has been my main encouragement and editor on the many articles that I have written for FYI. Brad, you made my articles sound great...thank you. In this episode we cover a lot of ground. There were so many more things I wanted to be able to discuss with Brad, so I will definitely have him back on the podcast. But we covered a lot around the intersection of faith, families and technology, while focusing a lot on the pressure kids experience in our culture with the overscheduling of their lives.

But in this episode we explore:

• the work of Fuller Youth Institute
• the Sticky Faith research and curriculum
• the epidemic of overscheduling kid's lives.
• youth and sports.
• NCAA latest report on youth and the specialization of kids in one sport.
• the transmission of faith in families.
• how we can successfully navigate the use of technology in families.
• and so much more....

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Fuller Youth Institute

Sticky Faith

Right Click: Parenting Your Teenager in a Digital Media World

Denise Pope's Research at Stanford

Race to Nowhere

Beyond Measure

Wendy Mogel

Madeline Levine

Families and Faith: How Religion is Passed Down across Generations by Vern Bengston

NCAA Survey Sheds Light on Athletes' Youth Sports Experience

"How do you get so much stuff done?"

That's one of the questions that I get quite a bit. Sometimes the comment comes from colleagues who wonder how I have a busy practice and still find time to write, blog, podcast, speak, teach, train for a 50 mile run, etc. And sometimes it comes from family members who wonder how I balance out all the things I do in my work, personal and family life. Though it's encouraging to hear those comments and think that I accomplish a lot, the truth is...I always feel like I'm behind. I always feel like I'm not doing enough. And I always feel like I could be less distracted, more disciplined, and productive.

But maybe that's more of my own issues coming up that I will have to work through with my therapist anyways. But the question is posed to me enough times that I have recently begun to reflect more on it. And I started wondering, "How do I get all the things done that others are seeing." And so for the last couple of weeks I have been reflecting on that question and wanted to share with you some of my insights. A lot of what I share in the podcast is probably not totally new to you. It's not earth shattering insight. Rather, it's what has helped me on this journey to clear distractions and focus on what is really important to me. And at the end of the day, productivity is not just about doing more, it's about creating the things I want to do...and if I'm constantly distracted and unfocused, I just won't be able to do those things.

In this episode I explore:

• the cost of distractions in our lives and how long it takes to regain focus.
• getting rid of cable TV and how that changed everything.
• eliminating news, sports and social media apps from my phone.
• some key ways to rearrange apps on your phone to maximize focus and cut down on mindless distractions.
• eliminating notifications on your computer and phone.
• how I am using the reading of longer and deeper works of writing to help me rewire my brain to achieve more focus.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

How Long It Takes to Get Back on Track After a Distraction

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I have been looking forward to having this conversation for a long time with my good friend Adam McHugh. Interestingly enough, Adam and I have known each other online for approximately 10 years, but have only met each other one time in person. But talking with Adam is pretty easy (not only because he's a good listener, he is super thoughtful and reflective in his responses), so I enjoyed this sprawling conversation on the topic of Adam's new book, The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction. Adam's first book, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, was a game changer for me, especially in not only helping me better understand myself (I am a borderline E/I in the Myers Briggs), but how important the role of introversion is in our faith communities.

Adam's new book has also been a game changer for me as well. So much so, that I have been referring it relentlessly to clients in my therapy practice, and quoting passages of it as well in session. It's definitely one of the best books I have read in a long time, and it has really shifted my perspective on listening. Not only did I realize that I am not as good of a listener as I thought I was, but it really showed me all the potential growth that lays ahead of me in this area. And honestly, I found that super exciting. To know that I can grow in this area and continue to transform the relationships that I am in is compelling. I cruised through the book in a couple of weeks and already started implementing new listening practices in my own life, as well as helping my clients work towards becoming better listeners in their relationships.

In this episode we explore:

• why Adam decided to write a book on listening.
• the role that Adam's work as a chaplain and pastor had in shaping him into a better listener.
• how we aren't as good of listeners as we think we are.
• the translation of a "listening heart" in 1 Kings 3:9.
• some suggestions for better listening.
• obstacles to good listening such as technology.
• the overwhelming amount of times that listening is mentioned in the Old and New Testaments.
• the awareness that is created when we listen to people's pain and track our own feelings/emotions and coping behavior.
• a new listening exercise that I have been using with couples.
• and much, much more.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam McHugh

The Listening Life: Embracing Attentiveness in a World of Distraction by Adam McHugh

Listening to People in Pain by Adam McHugh (at Conversations Journal)

Quiet Revolution

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Eat This Book: A Conversation in the Art of Spiritual Reading by Eugene Peterson

Every year as we turn the calendar from one year to the next, people are strategizing what goals they want to achieve for the year ahead. For years I used to make a list of "New Year's Resolutions" for myself, sometimes 30-60 items deep. But what would inevitably happen is that the moment I started falling behind on one of the resolutions, or I missed a day or two of working on them...I would feel down, like a failure, and I would just stop working on them. Some I would still stick with, but since I felt like a failure I would just wait and push those other resolutions off another year. You may even do this yourself.

So in the last couple of years I have been just focusing on one to two goals for the entire year, rather than this long list of resolutions, and that seems to have shifted things for me. Last year I focused on one main goal which was training for and running my first every 50 mile trail run...which I did accomplish with the support of my family and friends.

And what ultimately shifted things for me in this area of life was something I read in the book The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg. If you haven't read it, check it out as it's a great book. But more than anything, one particular area of his work stood out to me. In the book he talks about the power of "keystone habits." These habits are the habits that if you do them they tend to set off a chain reaction of habits or movements in other areas of your life. In some ways, achieving a "keystone habit" will catalyze habits in other areas. In the podcast I describe it this way. A "keystone habit" for me is getting up early to work out. When I get up early to work out I have more energy for the day, my body feels better, I feel more alert, I tend to eat better throughout the day, drink more water, am more engaged with people, etc. So that one habit triggers other healthy habits for me. With this in mind I realized that all my training last year for the Palo Duro 50 Miler spawned a lot of other awesome habits for me. And then when I achieved the goal I had been working for, that shifted a lot of other things in my life helping me achieve other goals that I wasn't necessarily focusing all my energy on.

My "keystone habit" last year was running. That changed so many other things for me. But I also realize that my keystone goal (the 50 mile race) also changed so many things for me. So in this podcast I explore "keystone habits" which Duhigg writes so eloquently on, but I also talk about keystone goals, which I haven't really heard anyone else talk about before (but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist).

In this Episode I explore:

• the topic of self-care and it's 4 core areas; I discussed this in Episode 1 of this podcast.
• the concept of "keystone habits" by Charles Duhigg.
• the idea of creating keystone goals.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my physical life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my emotional/relational life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my mental life.
• my "keystone habit" and keystone goal in my spiritual life.
• what it would look like for you to use "keystone habits" and keystone goals to achieve success in your personal self-care this year.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

Palo Duro Trail Run